[30 Days] A moment, in great detail [08/30]

I'm a writer so I believe that life is made up of moments. There are certain moments in our life that will change us forever. We only have to be aware of these moments so we can treasure them when we're old. 

I have a huge photo album and scrapbook in my head that's chock full of snapshots of memories, stories and anecdotes about my family, friends, lovers and acquaintances. I think I have one for each year of my life that's full of organized chaos. 

When I write about my life, I like to think that I'm pulling them out of a bookshelf so I can look at them again. I am bad at keeping journals but I have Twitter so that's okay. I guess my descendants will just have to deal with 240 characters containing my nuggets of wisdom.

Honestly, I'm having a hard time choosing a moment to share right now. I have so many of them. I want to talk about all of them and how they are important in shaping me as the person that I am right now. That's pretty narcissistic and ambitious but I digress. 

The most important moment in my life so far was when I found out about my bipolar disorder. 

Four years ago, I brought myself to the psychiatric ER of the National Center for Mental Health (NCMH) in Mandaluyong. There was a series of dark, traumatic, and unfortunate events that led to a brief period of time where I experienced full-blown psychosis. I was so deep into my suicidal thoughts that I hallucinated that my dead child was haunting me. 

Believe me, I was so scared about what's going on. I called my brother's then girlfriend who studied psychology because I didn't know who else to ask for help. At that time of my life, I was isolated from my family and close friends. It's the only period in my life where can say that I was on my own. She calmly told me where to go and to go there ASAP.

I remember that I was wearing jeans and a t shirt with my favorite pink Guess bag. I withdrew all of the money in my payroll bank account before flagging a taxi. On the way to the hospital, I was crying like there's no tomorrow.

When I entered the ER, I was immediately welcomed by two orderlies and a resident doctor. I started crying even harder as they asked me what's wrong. It was probably unusual for someone to walk into the ER without a companion so they were curious. They tried to make me smile by cracking a few jokes but I didn't bother to smile. I was crying so hard because I wanted very badly to die.

A doctor came to sit with me and he asked more questions. I told my life story to him in between sobs and wails: I told him about my abortion, my breakup with my married ex boyfriend, my parent's separation, my struggle at my job, my coworker raped me, my money problems and my anxiety caused by my most recent ex. I was very, very depressed and I was all alone. 

I went on to tell him that I've slept with more than 30 people, risky sexual activities, impulsive decisions like quitting my more stable job in a whim, my fears, my anxieties, my grief and my anger.

I could clearly remember how much stress I was in, how much pain I felt in my chest and how badly I wanted it to stop by killing myself. My hallucinations and psychosis was more than enough to convince them that I was truly mentally ill. 

They gave me a sedative and called the last person on my phone's contact list, Nikon. He was a fling who told everybody that he was my boyfriend but he was abusive, toxic and narcissistic. I was obviously not in the right mind to keep him around. In the past, I always found myself stuck in a toxic and depressing relationship. This was a pattern that would be continuously repeated until I met my current boyfriend. 

I dimly remember that they asked me who they should contact while I was sedated. Why I didn't tell them to call my mom to pick me up is still unknown to me. But she was in Batangas with the rest of my family so I guess I didn't want to inconvenience them... That was the the wrong call. 

Anyway, he still came to pick me up after a few hours and I was woken up from a heavy, dreamless sleep.

The doctor asked me if I wanted to be committed into the facility and I said no. They diagnosed me at first with major Clinical Depression until I told them about all of the boys I've fucked before. He got up, went to the nurse's station and made a correction on my file. He went back to me and gave me the words that irrevocably changed my life.

"You have bipolar disorder..." I was still sedated so I didn't understand much of his explanation but it made sense. It explained my erratic moods, my bad decisions and my lack of direction, structure and self-control. 

It just clicked to me that I've been driving on a one-way street in the wrong direction for the past five years of my life. 

I was 26-years-old and I had bipolar disorder. Yes, I was actually sick and nobody knew. I didn't know. A light bulb clicked inside the darkness of my mind. It all made sense and it was that moment that explained why I'm such a wreck. 

I still remember the doctor's kind eyes behind his glasses and his kind voice when I bade a weary goodbye. "Please get well and please take care of yourself..." 

I don't remember his entire message but I think it's still good enough. There's something to be said in the kindness and compassion of strangers because it will truly leave a mark on you.

After my visit to the psychiatric ER, I was taken home to my family. Nobody wanted to believe my story even when my ex confirmed it. 

Nobody in my tight-knit and traditional family wanted to accept that I was mentally ill and have been ill for quite some time. They didn't want me to go into medication and they didn't believe in therapy. In fact, they didn't know what to do with me.

My Tita Babes took me to another psychiatrist in a private hospital for a second opinion. He confirmed my illness and my family had no choice to accept it. I had to shake myself out of denial to accept it and to tell myself that it's a manageable illness like diabetes.

I haven't forgotten how surprised, saddened and worried I felt in that exact moment I heard that doctor's diagnosis. I've just gotten better at living with it.

You're probably wondering why I talked about this particularly sensitive topic instead of something more cheerful. I shared it because it's definitely the moment that changed the course of my life. Without it, I wouldn't be in a much better place right now.

I have medication, doctors, therapy and support from my family and friends. I've got a healthier, more peaceful and more intentional mindset. God is pretty good because He gave me all of the things I prayed for including healthy relationships and better opportunities in life. If I didn't take medication, go to therapy and consciously tried to improve myself and my lifestyle then I would have spiraled even further. Even God won't be able to help if I dug myself into a deeper hole of debt, toxic relationships, sleeping around and switching jobs at the drop of a hat. 

I like to believe that there's something good that came out of that experience.

[30 Days] Your best friend, in great detail [7/30]

I am fortunate to have lots of good friends in my life. At the age of 30, I can definitely say that we meet people for a reason, a season and a lifetime. 

We meet tons of people in our life but we can only get to know a few of them. I read somewhere before that we can only hold up to 200 people in our social circle. Of course, I don't know if that's really true but it makes sense. It's impossible to keep up with every single person in your Facebook, Twitter or Instagram feed.

In my quest of minimalism, I unfriended a lot of people in my Facebook account because I couldn't bear the information overload. I wanted to see a clean, simple and less populated feed with updates from the people that I really care about and from pages that I'm interested in. I'm allergic to the noise pollution and I'm also allergic to the Internet pollution.

Even now at 400 people, I still think that's too much! I've already removed people with duplicate accounts and deactivated accounts! It was very stressful and tiring to do that just to keep my inner circle small and my life, well, private. I don't really want other people who don't care about me to see my posts, my shared posts and my personal views on things. It's probably why I can't do Youtube. I'm too self-conscious and shy in front of a huge audience. But my blog is a different story for another day.

Anyway, I have a very small Inner Circle of Friends. Also, I only have one Best Friend. She's unfortunate enough to gain the title after more than a decade of friendship. I don't know if she's still mad at me for missing her wedding last year... I swear to God and everything Holy, I will not miss your 25th and 50th wedding anniversary, okay? (I'll even shoulder the payment for the invitations! I've got 25 years to save up for them and to block off the date. I'll be there talaga!)

We can call her Mina because that's how I call her. She's tall, slim and pretty with big, chocolate brown eyes and bigger, curly hair. We've known each other since high school and we haven't let go of each other since. 

I think she's beautiful because she has the nicest heart and the sweetest spirit in the entire world. I will always hold her up in the highest regard because she's proven how loyal, kindhearted and gentle she is. She's my favorite friend in the entire world.

When we were in high school, we didn't really spend a lot of time together. Even in college, we didn't really know what's going on with each other's lives. Whenever we crossed paths in the mall, that's the only time that we'll get to catch up and have a long conversation. I don't really remember how we became so close as we became adults but I am very grateful to God for it.

We talk about anything and everything under the sun. Family, friends, work, money... There's nothing that we haven't talked about. Now that she's married, we also talk about marriage, kids and relationships a lot. I can just imagine what kind of wonderful wife and mother she's going to be. 

Honestly, I was thrilled when she asked me to be her bridesmaid in her wedding. We were so excited. We'd planned the whole thing together. I was also the one who referred my wonderful friend, Delsa, to her so she'll have a reliable and amazing wedding coordinator. 

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go due to my personal issues at the end of last year... God knows how many tears I cried and tantrums I threw because I couldn't go. It was my fault and I regret not going to the wedding every day of my life. It's just one of the things that was taken away from me by my former company and I will never forgive them for it. It's one of the reasons why I'm going to go to court against them. I'll make them regret it because I nearly lost my best friend. 

When I cried to Duckie about this, I told him flatly that she's the only person in the world who kept telling me to stay alive, to hold on and to keep hoping for a better day. She listened to my heartaches, my regrets, my fears, my anger and my sadness. She made me laugh and made me feel hopeful. 

She's one of the few people who made an effort and made time to see me at least once a year during the course of our long friendship. She's one of the very few people that I'm willing to take a bullet for. I don't know if she even knows how important and valuable she is to me and my life. She's my best friend and I couldn't even do the one thing she asked from me... I wanted the earth to swallow me whole or for my life to end then and there.

Mina is everything that I'm not and I love her for that. She's family-oriented, she's been working in the same place for years and she's had only one boyfriend in her life. She's logical, rational and plans things in advance. She's gone abroad twice, she's gotten married and she's kicking ass at work. I love and admire her for everything that she's doing in her life. If Duckie is my Polaris then she's my compass.

For the record, I only have few friends in my life and I treasure them dearly. They're like family to me. I was a lonely and sad person until I met them. Without their presence at the right time or right place in my life, I wouldn't be here to write how much I love them. Without their effort to reach out and to ask how I am, I don't know if I'd even have the courage to continue living. They probably don't know how much I truly appreciate them and their gestures.

Friendship is precious and I want to love, care, support and assist my friends as much as I could. I want to be friends with them until we're all old, gray and doddery. I want to have tea with them in afternoons just to reminisce and to see my godchildren grown up. I want to laugh, trade stories and cherish all of our history together. I'll always strive to be a good friend because I'm in the company of good friends.


One of my good friends told me once that I was blessed because I was warm, approachable and enthusiastic. I've got something in me that makes people want to stay. 

We've been through good times and bad times. I've seen them graduate, grow up and get a love life. Some of them left and some of them stayed. We had fights and misunderstandings but we also made up. 

Our friendships are rich, diverse and full of growth because we have our separate lives. They are the sort of friends who are not always at my side but when we see each other, it's like we're never apart! We're always there for each other. Yes, I have friends who are "best in listening", "best in fan-girling over anime", "best in relationship advice and guidance counselling", "best in drunken revelries ", "best in food-trips", "best in shopping", and even the "best for heartbreaks and solid support." 

Mina is the best person for all of these things and more. We haven't talked in a while but I do understand that she's gone through the honeymoon and come back to work. She's busy with her life and I get that. I miss her a lot but I'm willing to give her some space. 

That's because we're like sisters in that way. We just need to step back and let time smooth it out. We'll know when we're good again when we see each other.

[30 Days] Your day, in great detail [6/30]

Ever since I lost my call center job last December, I had no choice but to stay at home. 

I like to think of it as an extended vacation until I get hired for a job somewhere. For the past two months, I've lived my dream as a stay-at-home wife with an adoring husband in a beautiful home. It's the best thing ever! Alas, it will not last forever because I have to get a job to get out of the house and to earn money for my own needs (wants). 

I live with my boyfriend, Albin, in a modest one-bedroom condo in Metro Manila. For now, it's just the two of us so we don't really do anything special besides breathing in the same space.

My daily routine consists of waking up, making the bed and going straight to the kitchen to make tea. I will sit in the couch, watch Youtube on our flat screen tv and ponder on my current state of mind. 

Of course, I have coffee grounds and a coffee maker but I don't really want to stay up 23 hours. Kapeng Barako from Batangas is ideal to drink if I'm going to work and I need energy to keep my eyes open during the long commute. 

Anyway, I will make tea for both us because my beloved is already logged into his Steam Account to play Tree of Savior/Archeage: Unchained or Borderlands 3 with his pals. We don't really eat breakfast, lunch or brunch because we both wake up at the ungodly hour of 1PM to 3 PM so our first meal of the day is at 4PM and then dinner is at 10PM.

Since I'm practicing to be a reliable, domestic housewife, I take care of the cooking, the cleaning and the other chores. As my boyfriend bluntly told me, "I'm the one earning the money so I think it's only fair if you take care of me and the house." Stay-at-home is great but the wife part isn't. 

Kidding aside, I rather like my new role because I'm vanilla as shit and prefer this kind of lifestyle. I'm that lady who believes in living in the suburbs in a modest house, white picket fence, a car, three kids and a dog. It's a quaint idea but I love it. I love the idea of stability, routine and boring loving family life.

There was a time when I was to be a rebel who will not conform to the norms. I drank, smoked, slept around and explored my lifestyle  options. In the end, I opted out because I couldn't take it anymore. I realized that I really wanted to have a reliable, boring and vanilla life than a colorful, rainbow colored one. I wanted to wake up beside the same person in the morning, breathe in the same space and grow old in the same house. I wanted to have someone whom I can depend on and cherish for the rest of my short, mortal life. But I digress.

I took some time to look over my email, check on my applications and send new application offers to other companies. I answered emails, followed up on some leads and prayed to God again for more help because I really need to find a job soon.

During the course of the day, I will read, color, watch more Netflix and attempt to finish watching the anime series that I've got on backlog. I wish I had more motivation to hit the gym or to work out at home but I just don't. That's probably why I'm becoming Mrs. Pacman.

When we have dinner, we watch the tv because my boyfriend is awkward AF and cannot carry a decent conversation while eating. Right now, we're watching My Hero Academia during mealtimes.

I swear, I will change this when we have children. When I was growing up, we had to talk during mealtimes whenever my father wasn't around. It was the only time that my mother asked me how my day was and I could hear about my siblings' exploits. I clearly remember hearty laughter and heated debates when my cousins were around. Depriving children of conversation during mealtime will definitely result in someone like my younger brother or my boyfriend who's awkward and unable to start a conversation in front of their families and strangers. I still hate this part of our daily life but unfortunately, I'm getting used to it. 

After dinner, he will go back to his computer games and I will be left to my own devices. I won't deny that there are days when I get so bored that I want to gouge my eyes out. There's a sense of independence and co-dependence on our interaction. You're free to do whatever you want inside the house but you're not going to have the same activities. We're always apart but we're still together. You won't get it until you see us in action.

My boyfriend is always engaged in video games and his playtime is at night because that's the time his friends are online. I don't mind the video game habit as long as he's not cheating on me. In my mind, he can play as much as he wants now because we're still childless. 

When a kid comes into the picture, he can say goodbye to his games and friends because his time will be cut down to two hours at most. I will definitely raise hell if he doesn't even contribute in changing the diapers, burping or feeding the baby. I fully expect him to be a hands-on parent. Just because your parents didn't do their job doesn't mean you can't do yours. I will be shutting down that cycle when it's our turn to take on parenthood. Unless he's actually engaged in a career that requires games, he's going to have to cut back.

Sometimes, I hate his gaming habit. We don't sleep together at the same time. We don't talk as much. He's just wrapped up in his own virtual world and he remembers my existence when he's hungry. But he doesn't fool around with other girls, smoke, drink or gamble so I guess that's better than nothing...

I don't have good or bad days. I just have long, boring days where I have nothing to do but satisfy my anxiety and OCD by cleaning the whole house from top to bottom. You know I'm antsy when I start cleaning stuff. My boyfriend already figured it out.

I feel like I'm wasting my time by being on an extended vacation but it's not true. This is the best way to get rid of my anxiety and depression. Just take time off, relax and don't think... Well, not as much.

As my mother succinctly said, live one day at a time.

[30 Days] Your definition of love, in great detail [05/30]

I am a romance writer. Since I was thirteen-years-old, I've been writing about love and romance. Since then, I've been exposed to all it's hues, colors and nuances so much that I am saturated with it.

It means a lot to me because it gives me something to long for, to wish for and to live for. My stories are full of a maiden's wishful thinking and hopeful yearnings.

This is the secret to my success. I give my readers a sweet escape and a soft illusion where they can pretend that they are the heroes or heroines in a fantastic love story crafted to melt even the hardest heart. 

Romance is all about roses, candlelight and sweet music. It means sweeping another person off their feet and promising them the moon and the stars. It's all about the sweet and tender gestures meant to make people want to love being in love! That's what I write about. I write about the romance that is not available to me thus making it accessible to everybody.

How do I define love? I can't really explain it properly without including a long list of tired cliches and high rhetoric. Humans have pondered over the meaning of love for ages. What can a simple girl like me add to the collected musings of humankind? All I know about love is that it's everywhere. We can't escape it. It's simply there.

I think love, honestly, is something bittersweet. It has the ability to empower or to weaken us without a second thought. It comes with happiness and sadness, ecstasy and misery. It's just two sides of the same coin. One cannot exist without the other. It's simply inescapable. It's the essence of life.

If we're not sad then we wouldn't know how it feels to be happy. If we're always happy then we do not appreciate what we have until we lose it or something to that effect. I think love is just like that. You can't be just happy or just sad. It's always a mixture of both emotions.

In my previous relationships, I've known how it feels to swing between heaven and hell. Love is something that always gives me a pleasurable ache or a painful ecstasy. You can't have one or the other. It's always supposed to be taken as a whole.

In spite of this rather cynical view of the madness of love, I'm still a hopeless romantic.

I believe that God will provide me with a man who can answer all of my prayers someday. He'll bless us with a love that is sanctified by the church and accepted by society. It will be a sweet and steady love that will live up to it's promise, "for better or for worse." 

We can swallow our differences and struggle together without letting go of each other's hand. Life is full of troubles and hardships but my love will see me through by giving me something to smile at, to laugh at and to rejoice in spite of it all. That's love to me.

God will give me a man who will be strong, trustworthy and full of pride for his family. He doesn't have to be perfect because I'm not. We'll accept each other as we are. We'll probably learn to live with our quirks, differences and inherent weirdness. He'll be sweet to me and he'll make me laugh. We'll probably keep the romance alive even without trying.

God knows what's best for me. He knows what kind of man deserves me and what kind of man will make me happy. When that man comes along, I will love him completely because when I'm in love, I don't hold back, I don't run away from suffering and I endure without complaint. I will love him even through the uncertainty. That's love to me.

The good news is that I already have that man. His name is Duckie and he's the one I've been waiting for. 

Our relationship is very young because we've only been dating officially for eight months. But we've known each other longer than that because we've been friends for three years before we started dating each other. It was God's will that we reconnected with each other at the right place in our lives and at the right time. So, timing is everything and he's actually living up to the expectations for my ideal relationship that I've mentioned earlier. 

Of course, I am not limited to romantic love. I sincerely believe in keeping up my steadfast love to my family, friends and myself. In loving others, I can understand myself. But in loving myself, I can also understand others. 

Self-love is also important to me. It also means not assigning my happiness to other people so I can avoid a life of misery and disappointment. 

At this time, I'm in a very vulnerable place in my life. I'm broke because I have no work. I'm fighting my depression. I feel worthless, useless and hopeless most of the time because of this. 

What do I do to practice self-care? Well, I started writing on this blog again in an effort to push myself into loving my writing again. I read more books, watch more shows on Netflix and cook different kinds of food. I see friends and family. I sleep on time and eat well. 

I try my hardest to maintain a positive, optimistic outlook. Duckie insists on facing my problems with a smile and an optimistic attitude. In my unemployed state, I just think that it's like being on vacation for now. That sounds nice, right? I'm on vacation so I can sleep in, binge-watch shows on Netflix and get lost in books. It sounds less depressing.

Self-love is a journey for me wherein I can learn lots of new things. Someday, I'll be able to figure out how to love, accept and invest on myself. I will be able to smile at myself in the mirror and lovingly tell her, "you're doing okay."

[30 Days] What you ate today, in great detail [04/30]

I don't really diet. The idea itself repulses me. I like the idea that I'm built like a Boticelli Venus in all of her glory with all the junk in the right places. 

Ever since I had my birth control implant and my psych meds, I ended up gaining weight steadily over the years. But I don't have a real appetite because I just eat whenever I remember to eat. 

Recently, Duckie and I ate two heavy meals in a day. We sleep late at night and wake up late too. So our breakfast is around 2PM and then dinner will be at 8PM. I usually cook at home but we also order takeout through Grab Food too. 

We went out today to run errands in Cubao, Quezon City. Duckie left me in Starbucks where I ended up getting a warm cinnamon roll while reading a pocketbook. Then we walked to Gateway Mall for lunch. 

Duckie decided on Burgoo for a change. We ordered their large appetizer that was composed of onion rings, french fries, shrimp popcorn and chicken poppers. He got a medium rare steak with mashed potatoes, mushrooms and corn. I ordered the Shrimp Seafood Jambalaya because I love paella. I really, really love paella.

At home, Duckie loves my cooking. I like cooking adobo, chicken curry, tuna basil pasta and even spaghetti. I still have a long way to go on cooking other homey dishes like tinola, nilaga, sinigang, kare-kare, menudo, afrita and kaldereta. My father's a great cook so I want to be just as good as he is so my family will always have good, homemade food to eat. Whenever I need a recipe or I'm in a pinch, I call my mom for help because she's also a wonderful cook. 

We love to eat together and share food with each other. We love milk tea, sweets and savory foods. We like the same restaurants and we like the same cuisines. Our dates often revolved around food. 

My relationship with food is simple and easy. I will eat whatever I want in small doses. I will not refuse sweets and other decadent little desserts. I will just enjoy eating every delicious thing out there because life is so short to avoid good food. Every bite and morsel is wonderful to share with the people I love.

[Diary] Despair is my Dearest Friend

Despair is the complete absence of hope. There's nothing else that can accurately describe how I feel right now. I am in complete and utter despair. There's no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel and no fucking rainbow after the rain. Those things are made up by overly optimistic people who've never had a bad day in their entire life.

I just got back from my trip to a call center within Quezon City. After three hours into the application process, I was told by the recruitment team that I didn't pass the SVAR exam so I ultimately failed my application. This is the nth company that I've applied to in my two long months of unemployment. This is not the first company that rejected me either. But I'm getting tired of the application process, the expenses and the rejections... Especially the sheer contempt and secret delight of the recruiters I've met so far when they deliver the bad news.

Despair is the only thing that can accurately describe my emotions right now. I am dark, depressed, suicidal and desperate. I've finally hit rock bottom. I am now at the bottom of a deep, dark well with the water up to my neck and the rocks are rough at my fingertips. I cannot look up either to see the light because the mouth of the well has been boarded up. This is what I'm seeing now. This is it. This is finally the end of the line for me.

I'm finally at the verge of fulfilling my self-made prophecy that I'm never going to have a stable job and I'm going to be stuck as a person with disability, no prospects and no success. I'm just going to end up as a burden to my family. Albin will leave me eventually when he gets tired of being my caretaker. I'm going to end up stuck at home, catatonic and unable to move. I won't be able to afford my medicine, my doctor visits, my therapy sessions and any of my needs to have a stable mood. I won't ever be normal. I won't have that chance anymore all because of my stupid mistakes, my debilitating illness and my bad luck.

There are days when I look at myself and laugh hysterically. I deserve all of this! After all of the horrible, terrible and sinful things I've done in my life, this is not even enough to cover it. Life is still peachy for me. I still have it good, right? WRONG. That's so wrong. I deserve all of the karma, the bad luck and the terrible events in my life right now. 

Where is God? Did He turn his back on me again? Is He testing my faith again? Is He making sure that I will be thoroughly broken so that I'll come back into the fold? Is He making me pay for what happened to my child? What is God trying to do right now? I've never found the answer in faith and religion. It's not reassuring or even comforting to me. I've ended up countless times in churches, chapels, and adoration rooms with my suffering because I wanted to offer it up to God. Yet I've never felt closer to God or comforted by His presence. I'm only left empty, hopeless and unsure of what to do next. I've never understood what I'm supposed to do with God and His faith.

I desperately want a cigarette right now. I want to buy a pack so I can start drinking that whiskey in the cupboard and smoke the night away. There is relief in my little vices. I can only count on my vices to get me through a rough patch. I've stopped having risky, impulsive sex with Tinder strangers but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I still do. But I'm in a happy, healthy relationship now so it's the least that I can do to stay away from that. Please leave the alcohol and cigarettes alone. No, wait, my boyfriend's angry at me for smoking so that's gone too. He stops me from drinking on week (weak?) nights too. 

I love him very much and I care about him a lot but he's such a square sometimes. He doesn't have any vices, he's vanilla in bed and he's completely useless when it comes to having a good time. When I'm with him, the idea of a good time is watching anime after dinner for a couple of hours. That's it. No wild sex, no insane nights out and no funny incidents... It's so boring sometimes. But I have to slap myself and to remind myself that this was what I wanted for my entire life! I wanted a boyfriend who loves me, who's normal and who's stable. I wanted a man who would be able to give me stability and to be able to take care of me when I'm going through my dark phases. He's here! He's already here for me but I'm complaining. I deserve to get shot. I don't deserve him either. I'm worthless. I'm useless. I don't deserve to be alive anymore.

My suicidal thoughts are taking over my mind lately. It's insidious and unstoppable. I want to jump off the balcony in our condo in the 13th floor. I want to take all of the pills in our medicine cabinet. I want to stand in the middle of the road so a truck can run over me. I want to take the knives in our kitchen and use them to carve up my wrists, my jugular and my chest... I want to commit suicide because I can't bear to go on living anymore.

I'm so tired of my life. I want to press reset and start over or ask God to just erase my existence so I won't hurt everyone when I'm gone. I'm just so tired of living.

I will go ahead and deactivate all of my social media accounts. 

If I die young, here's my last will and testament: Neil will get my laptop, my mother and sister will get all of clothes, shoes and other girly shit, Henrix will get all of my books and Albin will get to keep all of the shit in our house, including the dinner table set and the couch. Please give my dad a copy of everything that I've written so far.

For my funeral, I want to be cremated so you can scatter my ashes by the sea and at the base of the rambutan tree. I'll wear my favorite green dress with pretty sleeves and my cocktail ring; make sure that my underwear is black, sexy and revealing.

For my wake, invite our family and friends then serve them alcoholic drinks. Play Lana del Rey's discography while you gamble away your money. You can have a poetry reading in the middle of the night; you can even put up a slideshow of my short, pitiful life. Don't make it last longer than three days. Make sure you show and tell how much you love me now that I'm dead. God knows it won't make a difference because I'm already gone.

Or you can just all dump my body into the Pasig river and forget about me. I don't care either way. 

I don't know if I will ever have the things that I wanted out of this life. My own family, children and a loving husband... I don't deserve those things. I won't be able to have those things because I have bipolar disorder. Living a normal life is 10 times harder for me already. Why would anybody want to marry me? I don't have a job, I've got no savings and I'm not pretty anymore. I've got a weird family background, I've got a dark past and I've got a lifetime illness. Who wants a piece of that? 

Dying is the only way out. 

[30 Days] Your parents, in great detail [03/30]

I was born to Rose and Noel.

They were a young couple for a little over 8 years before I came into this world. They were each other's first loves and it was their first relationship. I used to believe that this was the standard of a love that might last forever.

My mother, Rose, was the fifth child in seven siblings. She grew up with an average middle-class family and as the apple of the eye of her father. Caring and obedient, she could never say no to her family. She cared for her youngest brother who had Down syndrome since the day he was born until the day he died. My mother was a docile lamb who was content to be told what to do and she never questioned her father's authority. It was obvious that she regarded him as higher than her husband.

When I was very young, I found her beautiful and vivacious. She glowed like a summer day when she put on her makeup and perfume. Her friends always loved her because she was always so jolly and fun to be with. Even after becoming a mother of four children, she could always pass off as a younger woman. We always get mistaken for sisters. Her secret was simple. Always be grateful and live by the day. She doesn't stress out and she's always chill so the years simply slide off her face.

I am my mother's best friend before her daughter. I'm her confidant, her secret-keeper. We get along so well in so many things because our tastes are so similar. I am pretty proud to say that we often smoke cigarettes and drink beers together whenever I come home like it's a sorority night. She is the first person I contact when I have good news and the last person I tell whenever I'm going through a rough patch. I never forget that she is my mom, even when she forgets that I'm her kid.

What I admire most about her is her lifelong contentment in being a housewife and mother. It is so rare and beautiful to find a woman who is happy to be mother, aunt and caretaker. She is always great with children and she loves babies. Growing up, she managed 12 kids under the same roof with finesse that it's amazing that by the end of the summer, we were all still in one piece. Even when her kids, nieces and nephews had grown up and flown out of the nest, they still regard her with the highest respect and love because she'd cared for them whole-heartedly.

It is my mother who taught me to endure and to be resilient. She is like the bamboo that bends and sways with the winds of adversity yet she never breaks. Not even when she and my father separated.

My father on the other hand failed on a lot of things, including fatherhood. I'm sure that he did his best but it still wasn't enough to compensate for the issues that I had. Anyway, I don't mean that he was a bad father. He's just not the best one out there.

But my father had a hard life unlike my mom. He was the eldest of five sons and he was already helping out in the family business, a butcher's shop, as a kid. His mother suffered from cancer in his teens until her death in 1989 so the burden of raising 4 boisterous boys was left to him. My grandfather was a World War II veteran who smoked, drank and never showed any affection to his sons so I'm guessing that's the parenting model that he adopted.

When I was growing up, my father was rarely home. He worked as an enlisted soldier in the Philippine Air Force (PAF) so he was often away for work. I didn't miss him that much and I was often afraid of him because he would hit us whenever we acted like kids.

My father instilled a firm sense of duty into us as we grew up. He always emphasized the importance of family, your duty to family and your honor. He made sure that we woke up very early on weekends to clean the house, learn to cook and to wash the clothes all before lunchtime. He always cooked for us and he is an awesome cook. I honed my cooking skills under his eye and I admit that I still miss his pancit bihon sometimes. He wanted us to be ready for real life.

But he was still the big man of the house who wouldn't quit smoking, drinking and gambling like any military man. Those things were more important to him than raising children and saving money so they would have comfortable lives. He always thought that since I'm such an obedient daughter, I could step up as the pillar of the household. I could take up his responsibility and smile while doing it. No wonder I started acting out so early.

Unfortunately, my father picked up a disgusting drug habit that led him to leave our family in 2016. Our family was torn up into pieces when they formally separated in 2016. We're still trying to recover. I used to hate him so much.

Now, I've already forgiven him and I've moved past it. I'm trying to recover our relationship. I'm trying to mend his relationship with my own siblings. It's like holding jagged mirror pieces and trying to piece it back together but I'm oblivious to the fact that I'm getting hurt and my palms are bleeding.

In spite of all this, I am still grateful for my parents for loving me regardless of my bad decisions and my crazy notions. I understand that they just want the best for me and my siblings. I will always love them no matter what.

[30 Days] Your first love, in great detail [02/30]

One of my favorite poets, e.e cumming, once wrote "somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond any experience..." 

That's exactly how I felt when I fell in love for the first time.

I was only 16 when it happened. I was a young woman, a flowering girl. I believed that I was ready for love after reading too many Precious Hearts Romances and Mills and Boon books.

Yet all of the beautiful and mysterious feelings that I welcomed into my life was from a boy who lived more than a thousand miles away.

We met online through a message board, Himitsu Desu! A NaruHina forum, that was founded by a mutual friend, syaoran no hime. It was an exclusive members-only club that supported the Naruto pairing of Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuuga. You know, that's my OTP (One True Pairing) so I wanted to believe that a love as strong, gentle and unbreakable can happen to me.

It was the summer of 2005 and I was waiting for my high school graduation with no idea of what to do with my life. I haven't made any plans for college, I haven't applied for summer jobs and I was basically stuck. My parents weren't any help when it came to the career choice department because they had problems of their own. My home life was a living hell and I was bullied in high school. When I went online, that's the only time I actually felt like I was worth something.

I was bored at home so I began to actively post my opinions, thoughts and fanfiction online. I slowly formed my online persona, Aya-chan. She's sweet, innocent, unexpectedly funny, friendly and beloved by her little community. She was very different from who I really am but I guess that's the beauty of role-playing online. You can escape the mundane aspects of your real life to become a popular, beautiful and beloved by her peers.

Over time, I started becoming friends with a guy who lived in the other side of the globe aptly named Lazyninja86. I called him Lazy-kun for short.We got along fairly well because of mutual interest in several topics and there was just tons of chemistry over our long conversations.

Before we knew it, we were spamming the board mercilessly with conversations that veered light years away from the original topic. We also met for the first time via a group chat in Yahoo Messenger on a weekend. It was tons of fun! We exchanged screen names and also began long marathon conversations in the now-defunct Yahoo! Messenger. We couldn't get enough of each other's company. I am not ashamed to say that I stayed online 23 hours a day just to hang out with him and the rest of our friends.

We were both graduating from high school. He lived in the US so he was older than I was. I was 16 while he was 19. It didn't matter because we enjoyed each other's company. He was incredibly funny, witty and driven. I admired his passion to become a photographer. I loved how he listened to me and how he made me laugh. Although our friendship was built over wires and keyboards, I felt that we had really connected over those IM chats.

Our friends noticed our closeness and immediately knew that something was up. They began to tease us mercilessly. They egged our blooming friendship into something more. We both thought that we were mature and smart enough to handle the situation...

So we agreed to try a relationship for three days...

... and then it lasted for more than six months.

It was also a long-distance relationship, mind you. We had both agreed to call it off if it doesn't work out and we would stay as friends. We were very sure that our friendship will survive.

I have to admit that I've only had crushes over boys but nothing beyond that. I was truly inexperienced when it came to dating so I didn't realize that we were both setting ourselves up.

But let me talk about the good parts first. He was my first love because he was the one who taught me how to care about another person. He taught me how to appreciate effort and how to be more understanding. We both wanted to meet each other someday soon. We both wanted the same things out of life. We were always on the same page. It was funny how he can read my head and how he can catch my moods. I was always ready to listen to him and to encourage him to follow his dreams. It was a great first relationship.

I started to form my own philosophy on love. As long as I was honest, trusting and understanding, it was going to work. I was always an "All-or-nothing" kind of girl because I really believed that the love that resides in my heart was mine. All mine to give and no regrets. I did my 110% for him because I wanted him to know that I loved him very much and I didn't want him to feel that I didn't make an effort.

I was never shy about showing my feelings either. I'd let him know how much I cared and I'd walk the extra mile. I know that I'm a wonderful girlfriend because I'm the perfect Yamato Nadeshiko. All sweet and feminine with a burning fire behind my smile.

In hindsight, it wasn't going to work out as well as we had hoped. One, we've never met each other. Two, it was a long-distance relationship. Three, we were both young. Four, we were both in different places in our lives because we were taking up college as freshmen.

We certainly had a lot of growing up to do.

Our relationship ended when I met someone else from school. We both took it badly and we didn't talk to each other for a few years. I'm still sorry for breaking his heart like that. It's water under the bridge now. We've made up and we've become really good friends now.

I will consider him as my first real boyfriend. I'm still grateful to him for many good experiences like listening to him sing to me over the phone, getting a story dedicated to me and dreaming about the future. I'm still glad that I got a wonderful experience as far as first loves go.

[30 Days] Introduce Yourself [01/30]

Hi! We can probably say that this is my real introduction. 

Just to be clear, I'm really bad at introducing myself because I don't know who I am yet. Yes, that's right. I don't really know what kind of person I am and what's my motivation. It's like I'm a character in a story who's not fully fleshed out yet. 

At the time of this writing, I am a female, 30-years-old and still single. I want to be a lifestyle blogger with a mental health advocacy, erotica writer or a romance novelist because that sounds like someone who's interesting, fun and driven. 

As it turns out, I'm just a broke lady living in a third world country with a camera phobia, no social media following and no success story. It sounds bleak and desperate because that's exactly what it is. I'd rather be honest than paint a pretty picture of myself to lie so I can be liked. If there's anything real about me, I value authenticity and honesty.  

In any case, I'm a big fan of astrology because I'm a Gemini and an Earth Snake in Chinese astrology. Yes, I'm also desperate to find out who I am and what I am doing in this universe. 

I can agree that I'm just as moody, communicative and indecisive like a true Gemini. I am always swinging in between extremes so that's the Snake and the Twins (and bipolar disorder) for you. Aside from astrology, my hobbies include reading, cooking, traveling and writing.

My favorite authors include Neil Gaiman, J.K Rowling and Philippa Gregory. I've got an eclectic collection of books at home thanks to them. I'm also a big believer than knowledge should be shared so I lend books without expecting them back. I tried to get them back to no avail so I hope they're happy with their new owners. 

I've been working in the call center/BPO industry for close to 10 years. Thanks to these jobs, I've managed to help myself, my brother and sister complete our college education. Thanks to that career track, I enjoyed a lifestyle that allowed me to eat whatever I wanted, travel to new places and to live in relative comfort. 

Thanks to recent events, I've been ejected out of the industry against my will. So I will try my best to work in a regular office and to write on my spare time. I've taken a really huge pay cut too but that's okay. I've been waiting for the right time to leave the BPO industry and the door was opened for me unexpectedly. 

In a way, I'm living by my definition of success. Let me give you a quick background story: I was 19-years-old when I declared my intentions to the universe at large through a contribution to The Philippine Daily Inquirer. 

I've asked for success, for courage to be true to myself and to experience life as much as possible. In a way, I am successful because I'm being true to who I am everyday and in doing so, I'm getting the most out of my life.

I'm not an average girl. I've seen and done things that shouldn't be done by ordinary mortals. I've glimpsed the divine and the profane. I'm strong, courageous and compassionate. I've hungered for love from others but my soul is satiated only by the love and kindness I can give myself. I'm an unusual girl and I've accepted it.

Right now, I'm walking towards the mountain that Neil Gaiman has talked about.

I'm taking the steps to gain what I want: a career in writing, functional and healthy relationships, and contentment. I'm too broken to experience daily happiness and too damaged to regain my naive and optimistic heart so I'm taking what I can get.

I'm open to experience the fleeting moments of joy and lasting contentment. I'm comfortable enough in myself to say that I'm happy with where I'm going, what I'm doing and who I am. I do believe that "everything will be okay". I always do what is right but not necessarily good. I live by the motto: family, duty and honor.

I am not completely happy yet but I am content. It's true that I am now living up to my definition as a woman: strong, focused and kind. I've grown up a lot in the past 10 years and it's enlightening to see how much I've matured. I still don't know much about myself but it's part of the journey.

Ten years ago, I wished for my independence, steady work, healthy relationships and success. I am grateful to have them now in different aspects of my life. 

In the past, I wanted to live in a beautiful condo with my future husband so I received that blessing. I wanted to work in a challenging, fast-paced startup company and I got that. I wanted to have a healthy relationship with my family and friends so I worked on that. I truly wanted to be stable enough to be a high-functioning mentally ill person and I'm getting there. 

When I look forward to the future, I am excited and terrified. In the next 10 years, I'm expecting major life changes like marriage, children and writing books. I've already chosen a man to be my future husband, embarked on a career track and started this blog. I'm thrilled to write down everything in this decade just to track down the changes and improvements to that person.

Maybe 10 years from now, she'll write a new entry for the 30 days theme with a stronger and more confident tone to share the stories of family life, career, travel and maybe even some risque stories. It's all part of God's plan.

See you around.

[Diary] Starting Over

My state of mind isn't really at it's best right now. I'm depressed, plain and simple. It's more than 6 months already. There's no end in sight yet... I can smile, laugh and put up a normal facade but it's cracking already. I know I've been quite the negatron with a large, dark rain cloud hanging over my head and a shadow of grief behind my smile. My depression keeps a tight grip on my neck and refuses to let go.

Last year, I knew that I was slowly becoming depressed. I started feeling the creeping sadness and hopelessness around June then it took over me completely. I felt like I was drowning. 

To be clear, I tried my best to fight it by finding a psychiatrist who lives closer to my home, going to more therapy sessions and agreeing to a new change in my medication. I slept on time, took my meds on time and tried meditation. I tried coloring, reading new books and even eating my feelings away. Nothing worked. Nothing was helping me. 

I tried my best to stay afloat by going to work so I can pretend that I have a normal life. 

The final straw that broke the camel's back was when my company fired me right before Christmas. It really pushed my buttons to overdrive and my depression became a full-time enemy. Goodbye, normal life!

I did my best to cope and to keep it together but it's so hard... I've been battling the demons for more than six months. I've also gone through a mixed state with mania and depression fighting each other for control. 

(Yes, it's the mania that pushed me to apply to a slew of companies and to try my luck in other call centers. Guess what? I started to get rejected one after another because of my previous company. Mania won for a bit then depression took over. It's so exhausting!)

I'm ashamed to admit that I spent the last two months licking my wounds and trying to recover. I watched too much Netflix, Youtube and anime. I slept more than 12 hours every day. I watched myself slowly sinking into despair. I kept thinking, "Is this it? Is this the end of my life? Is the end of the line?"

There were days when my demons won so I tended to entertain my suicidal thoughts. I stayed in the balcony too long and counted how many seconds I'll need before I hit the ground from the 13th floor of my condo. I stared at my pack of medicines and wondered how long it would take for them to poison me completely. I talked about suicide so casually that it caused my boyfriend to become alarmed. 

Albin was supportive, caring and completely reliable in these trying times. He's awkward and he fumbled when it comes to words of comfort but he's there. He's always there. He kept telling me, "You have things that other people want. You can have other opportunities. Come on, babe, you can't be serious. We still have a long life to live together." When he says those things, I burst into tears because I felt guilty for wanting to leave him alone in this cruel world when I took my life. I felt so bad for being depressed, for being angry and for being helpless. He would hug me afterwards and let me cry.

Is this going to be a thing for my entire life? Depression, mania, depression and mania again... My emotional climate is turbulent, violent and cruel. I cannot control my outbursts of emotion and I cannot definitely control my tongue. It's so hard to dance with the devils when you don't know the steps.

When I lost my job, I definitely felt weak and useless. I was helpless against the world. I was so afraid that my disability will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'd have visions of my life spent on couches and beds in catatonia. I would be a burden to my partner, my family and my friends. I will never be able to afford my medications, my therapy and my doctor visits... I will never get well.

Tears would run down my face. I'd fall even deeper into despair when I think about it. No decent company would hire someone who hopped between 13 companies in 10 years. Nobody would want someone who can't even stick around. Of course, I'd left some of those companies in the heat of the moment or in the height of my mania when I was not yet diagnosed. Look at me now. I've always been paying for the mistakes of my youth but it seems that it will never be enough.

All I want is a normal life, okay? I just want to have a husband, three kids, a house and a car. I could tolerate a dog or 10 hamsters. I want to have a steady job, a retirement fund and investments. I want to be able to take two vacations in a year with my family. I want to be financially stable, respected in my career and owner of a small business. That's all I want. 

When I was in my previous job, I was planning to save up as much money as I can so I can retire from the corporate game by 35-years-old. Unfortunately, I'll have to hold off on that because I got fired. I haven't found a new job at this time. I'm dropping steadily into an abyss of despair.

Of course, call centers are not the only jobs out there. Of course not.

What do I want to be? Why am I so scared to try something different? Why am I not open to trying other jobs? Because I have Bipolar Disorder and it will definitely be harder for me to adjust, explain and attempt to switch industries. Or maybe because I'm already scared and traumatized from what happened to me in the not-so-distant past with my previous company, Sufferland.

I wished that I could just become a housewife but that's out of the question. Albin is not proposing anytime soon and that's even more depressing to think about.

My other options include working from home, selling stuff online, becoming a full fledged writer and working for the government. Yeah, I'll get back to you on that. 

Hope breeds eternal misery but I can still hope, right? Every crushed hope will lead me further into the path of darkness. Let's see how it goes. Maybe I'll be able to turn the situation around. Who knows? Only God knows what's going to happen next.

Perhaps I should write horror next time because my mind is a dark, lifeless place.

[30 Days] A writing challenge

This is your writing challenge. You have to write 30 entries in 30 days using the themes provided. You don't have to post daily. All you have to do is to complete the set. That's it!

Day 01 - Introduce yourself 
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail 
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail 
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail 
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail 
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail 
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail 
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail 
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail 
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail 
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail 
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail 
Day 13 – This week, in great detail 
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail 
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail 
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail 
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail 
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail 
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail 
Day 20 – This month, in great detail 
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail 
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail 
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail 
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail 
Day 25 – A first, in great detail 
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail 
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail 
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail 
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail 
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

Although I doubt that and don't plan on finishing this entire meme on time. But I would love to see you do this too, whenever you decide to start.