Trigger Warnings: Miscarriage, grief, abuse, manipulation, love-bombing, narcissist, mental illness, cheating, trauma, suicidal ideation, gaslighting
October 09, 2019
Dear John,
My little love, I've been thinking about you since yesterday. I miss you so much that it tears my heart apart. Nearly four years had passed since I lost you and I haven't stopped grieving ever since. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for losing you so easily.
I wish that I was strong enough to stand up to your father so I could have you until the end. I told him time and again that I love you, I want you and I would willingly give up everything in the world to hold you in my arms. If you were born, you would have been my true love, my real love, my purpose for living. You would have been my life, my breath, my soul and my destiny. But I wasn't strong enough, anak.
We conceived you in our first anniversary. We'd gone on a trip to the beach and came home with you in my womb. I admit that I was careless with my birth control pills at that time in a futile attempt to hold your deadbeat, cheating father down.
I was also going through an intense depression and anxiety because of our toxic, emotionally abusive and draining relationship. At that time, I didn't know that your father was already married. I was in the dark for the whole year and long months ahead. He was a consummate liar, a cheater. Shame on me if you fool me once. Shame on you if you fool me twice, right? He played with me because he had me on the palm of his hand. I didn't have a good life then because I was at odds with my family all the time. So many things were happening at the same time and I was cracking under the pressure... So your dad took advantage of that by promising sweet things, becoming my only source of support and being the only person that I can turn to.
He isolated me from my family, my friends and my work. He always found excuses to keep me at home without any means to contact him. He only showed up to see me at his pleasure/displeasure. He was the reason I got humiliated and kicked out of my uncle's apartment. He always picked fights with me, drove me to insanity and gaslighted me. He raped me more than once. He lied to me so many times that I couldn't even bear to hear his voice even now. No matter how many times I showered or scrubbed my skin, I know that I've been branded, I've been filthied, I've been tainted. I was destroyed, anak.
Your daddy did that to me. He'd taken advantage of my innocence and my suffering. I was lost because my own parents weren't there to guide me. I thought that I was an adult but I was emotionally neglected like a child. That man promised to marry me so he could be my family, my support, my rock and my home. But he was the one who shattered me to the core.
I didn't want to be a mistress, a kabit, a dirty secret, anak. I hope that you will understand that someday. It was your father who drilled it to my head that I could be okay with that kind of situation because he groomed me since we met in December 2013. That's the terrible monster that he was.
After our trip to the seaside, he kept asking me if I got my period yet. He always did that because he was always insanely paranoid that I will get pregnant on purpose. I was broke so he fetched me from Batangas so we could go to a doctor here in Manila. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of months since I was still living in my parent's house. He was unavailable, as always. I've tried calling him time and again but I was blocked from his phone. He said he didn't have social media or even Viber. I was so stupid to believe him then.
When we arrived in Manila, he took me straight to a hospital. We found an available OB-GYNE doctor who recommended an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy. It was my first time to have an ultrasound, anak.
The room was too bright, too cold and your dad didn't even bother to hold my hand. He just sat on the chair at the farthest end of the room, staring at the monitor. The ultrasound instrument went in and there you were.
Anak, your heartbeat was so strong. You were already three months old at that time. I nearly cried with joy. So much joy. My heart was going to leap out of my chest! I could feel my blood singing out to you. I could just imagine you in my arms as a baby. It was the first time in my entire life that I felt like I had a purpose on earth. It was the only time that I had a worthy goal: to be your mommy.
You were healthy and developing well. But the doctor said that I needed to take some pills to make sure that you will hold on firmly to the walls of my womb. It was going to be a delicate pregnancy but we'll make it, anak, I promise.
Anak, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, anak, because I couldn't protect you. I couldn't shield you from our fights, the intense stress and anxiety. I'm sorry I didn't have a job, I was broke, I had no savings and I had no idea that I could ask for help from my family. I was so used to keeping all of my problems inside. I couldn't even admit to my own mother that I was pregnant until years and years have passed...
After we found out about you, I knew that you were a boy. It was a gut feeling. I knew that you were going to grow up to become big and strong like a prince from a fairytale. You will be able to protect me and you will love me unconditionally. I wouldn't need a husband as long as I have you.
But oh God. Your father and I had the most intense fight after our doctor's appointment. He screamed, yelled, threatened to hurt me! He accused me of manipulating him, of getting pregnant on purpose, of destroying his career! I didn't care about him, I didn't love him enough to be careful. Oh, anak. He made me feel so guilty, so sad, so hurt! He said that I should get an abortion. It was either him or you.
Anak, you already know the rest of the story. You heard my cries, saw my tears and felt my pain all throughout the days and weeks that followed. I wanted to keep you. I love you so much. Your father tore me apart. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. He wore me down.
I lost you on the month of February 2015. It started with painful cramps, heavy bleeding and so much agony. I vomited so much. I cried so much in the early morning hours in silence, praying the rosary, and asking for forgiveness from God. You will be in limbo because you didn't get baptized. You wouldn't see His face or hear His voice, my poor darling. I lost you. I miscarried you. I only have myself and your father to blame for the loss.
My parents didn't find out about you until two years later. I only started talking about you around the same time. Even then, nobody knows the extent of my grief for your loss.
I buried my grief, my suffering and my guilt so deep that I could almost fool myself into thinking that it could have been a terrible nightmare. Your daddy and I stayed together for nearly a year before I got enough courage to leave him. He tried to pull me back but I've had enough. I couldn't stand to look at him anymore. He didn't seem that affected when I lost you. Always told me that he thought that you wouldn't want him to be sad and life should go on...
Life did go on.
Anak, I made so many mistakes. I was so self destructive, so depressed and so unstable. I couldn't cope with the stress until I talked to Father Ben about you in 2017. I thought that God would absolve me of my sins if I managed to admit what really happened to a man of God.
My darling anak, you should be around five-years-old now. You should be starting in school, learning your ABCs, starting to read like me. You would have been the light of my life and my purpose for living.
There are days like today when I stare down at my coffee cup in the morning silence that I imagine what your voice sounds like. You should have been asking me for pancakes, for waffles, for a quick Youtube video before I bring you to nursery school. You would smell like that heavenly boy smell: sweaty, powdery and warm. You would have wrapped your chubby arms around my neck and kissed my cheeks affectionately. I wouldn't mind if I saw your father's eyes, his nose or even his stubbornness because I would've forgiven him in time.
Sadly, he robbed me of a son and some of my sanity. I will never forgive him for that.
Anak, you are my biggest regret and my dearest wish. I really hope that you'll be able to forgive me if I hadn't brought you into the world yet. I wish that you've gone straight up to Heaven so you could be with God. I miss you anak. Every single day. I miss you much.
Believe me, I would give anything to go back in time so I could have given birth to you one cool September day in 2015. I would trade everything that I have so I could see you grow up, smile, throw tantrums and love me as time goes by. It's been more than four years already since I lost you but it still hurts me like yesterday.
Anak, I love you so much. Wait for me, okay? Wait for me in the garden in Heaven with Tito Joey, Ah Ma and Tita Medz. Play with Xerxes, Lola Nimfa, Lolo Inos and Lola Bibing for now. They will give you 20 pesos just for being their first great-great-grandchild... Time will pass before I can follow you up there. But believe me, I love you, anak ko. I love you so much. I miss you so much, anak.