[Diary] An Open Letter to my First Child

Trigger Warnings: Miscarriage, grief, abuse, manipulation, love-bombing, narcissist, mental illness, cheating, trauma, suicidal ideation, gaslighting

October 09, 2019

Dear John,

My little love, I've been thinking about you since yesterday. I miss you so much that it tears my heart apart. Nearly four years had passed since I lost you and I haven't stopped grieving ever since. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for losing you so easily. 

I wish that I was strong enough to stand up to your father so I could have you until the end. I told him time and again that I love you, I want you and I would willingly give up everything in the world to hold you in my arms. If you were born, you would have been my true love, my real love, my purpose for living. You would have been my life, my breath, my soul and my destiny. But I wasn't strong enough, anak.

We conceived you in our first anniversary. We'd gone on a trip to the beach and came home with you in my womb. I admit that I was careless with my birth control pills at that time in a futile attempt to hold your deadbeat, cheating father down. 

I was also going through an intense depression and anxiety because of our toxic, emotionally abusive and draining relationship. At that time, I didn't know that your father was already married. I was in the dark for the whole year and long months ahead. He was a consummate liar, a cheater. Shame on me if you fool me once. Shame on you if you fool me twice, right? He played with me because he had me on the palm of his hand. I didn't have a good life then because I was at odds with my family all the time. So many things were happening at the same time and I was cracking under the pressure... So your dad took advantage of that by promising sweet things, becoming my only source of support and being the only person that I can turn to. 

He isolated me from my family, my friends and my work. He always found excuses to keep me at home without any means to contact him. He only showed up to see me at his pleasure/displeasure. He was the reason I got humiliated and kicked out of my uncle's apartment. He always picked fights with me, drove me to insanity and gaslighted me. He raped me more than once. He lied to me so many times that I couldn't even bear to hear his voice even now. No matter how many times I showered or scrubbed my skin, I know that I've been branded, I've been filthied, I've been tainted. I was destroyed, anak.

Your daddy did that to me. He'd taken advantage of my innocence and my suffering. I was lost because my own parents weren't there to guide me. I thought that I was an adult but I was emotionally neglected like a child. That man promised to marry me so he could be my family, my support, my rock and my home. But he was the one who shattered me to the core.

I didn't want to be a mistress, a kabit, a dirty secret, anak. I hope that you will understand that someday. It was your father who drilled it to my head that I could be okay with that kind of situation because he groomed me since we met in December 2013. That's the terrible monster that he was.

After our trip to the seaside, he kept asking me if I got my period yet. He always did that because he was always insanely paranoid that I will get pregnant on purpose. I was broke so he fetched me from Batangas so we could go to a doctor here in Manila. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of months since I was still living in my parent's house. He was unavailable, as always. I've tried calling him time and again but I was blocked from his phone. He said he didn't have social media or even Viber. I was so stupid to believe him then.

When we arrived in Manila, he took me straight to a hospital. We found an available OB-GYNE doctor who recommended an ultrasound to confirm my pregnancy. It was my first time to have an ultrasound, anak.

The room was too bright, too cold and your dad didn't even bother to hold my hand. He just sat on the chair at the farthest end of the room, staring at the monitor. The ultrasound instrument went in and there you were.

Anak, your heartbeat was so strong. You were already three months old at that time. I nearly cried with joy. So much joy. My heart was going to leap out of my chest! I could feel my blood singing out to you. I could just imagine you in my arms as a baby. It was the first time in my entire life that I felt like I had a purpose on earth. It was the only time that I had a worthy goal: to be your mommy.

You were healthy and developing well. But the doctor said that I needed to take some pills to make sure that you will hold on firmly to the walls of my womb. It was going to be a delicate pregnancy but we'll make it, anak, I promise.

Anak, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, anak, because I couldn't protect you. I couldn't shield you from our fights, the intense stress and anxiety. I'm sorry I didn't have a job, I was broke, I had no savings and I had no idea that I could ask for help from my family. I was so used to keeping all of my problems inside. I couldn't even admit to my own mother that I was pregnant until years and years have passed...

After we found out about you, I knew that you were a boy. It was a gut feeling. I knew that you were going to grow up to become big and strong like a prince from a fairytale. You will be able to protect me and you will love me unconditionally. I wouldn't need a husband as long as I have you.

But oh God. Your father and I had the most intense fight after our doctor's appointment. He screamed, yelled, threatened to hurt me! He accused me of manipulating him, of getting pregnant on purpose, of destroying his career! I didn't care about him, I didn't love him enough to be careful. Oh, anak. He made me feel so guilty, so sad, so hurt! He said that I should get an abortion. It was either him or you.

Anak, you already know the rest of the story. You heard my cries, saw my tears and felt my pain all throughout the days and weeks that followed. I wanted to keep you. I love you so much. Your father tore me apart. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. He wore me down. 

I lost you on the month of February 2015. It started with painful cramps, heavy bleeding and so much agony. I vomited so much. I cried so much in the early morning hours in silence, praying the rosary, and asking for forgiveness from God. You will be in limbo because you didn't get baptized. You wouldn't see His face or hear His voice, my poor darling. I lost you. I miscarried you. I only have myself and your father to blame for the loss.

My parents didn't find out about you until two years later. I only started talking about you around the same time. Even then, nobody knows the extent of my grief for your loss.

I buried my grief, my suffering and my guilt so deep that I could almost fool myself into thinking that it could have been a terrible nightmare. Your daddy and I stayed together for nearly a year before I got enough courage to leave him. He tried to pull me back but I've had enough. I couldn't stand to look at him anymore. He didn't seem that affected when I lost you. Always told me that he thought that you wouldn't want him to be sad and life should go on...

Life did go on.

Anak, I made so many mistakes. I was so self destructive, so depressed and so unstable. I couldn't cope with the stress until I talked to Father Ben about you in 2017. I thought that God would absolve me of my sins if I managed to admit what really happened to a man of God.

My darling anak, you should be around five-years-old now. You should be starting in school, learning your ABCs, starting to read like me. You would have been the light of my life and my purpose for living. 

There are days like today when I stare down at my coffee cup in the morning silence that I imagine what your voice sounds like. You should have been asking me for pancakes, for waffles, for a quick Youtube video before I bring you to nursery school. You would smell like that heavenly boy smell: sweaty, powdery and warm. You would have wrapped your chubby arms around my neck and kissed my cheeks affectionately. I wouldn't mind if I saw your father's eyes, his nose or even his stubbornness because I would've forgiven him in time. 

Sadly, he robbed me of a son and some of my sanity. I will never forgive him for that.

Anak, you are my biggest regret and my dearest wish. I really hope that you'll be able to forgive me if I hadn't brought you into the world yet. I wish that you've gone straight up to Heaven so you could be with God. I miss you anak. Every single day. I miss you much. 

Believe me, I would give anything to go back in time so I could have given birth to you one cool September day in 2015. I would trade everything that I have so I could see you grow up, smile, throw tantrums and love me as time goes by. It's been more than four years already since I lost you but it still hurts me like yesterday.

Anak, I love you so much. Wait for me, okay? Wait for me in the garden in Heaven with Tito Joey, Ah Ma and Tita Medz. Play with Xerxes, Lola Nimfa, Lolo Inos and Lola Bibing for now. They will give you 20 pesos just for being their first great-great-grandchild... Time will pass before I can follow you up there. But believe me, I love you, anak ko. I love you so much. I miss you so much, anak.

[Diary] My current obsessions

After my last breakdown, I took some time off work to rest, start a new medication regimen and get well. 

So far, I've seen two doctors in the past two weeks and I've started on three pills for our new medical treatment plan. I've been sleeping close to 14 hours in a day. I always feel hungry and restless.

Whenever I wake up, I feel grateful for another day. 

Since I've been feeling on edge, I've started cleaning the house obsessively. A was amused because I've always found new things to clean within the house (except for the bathroom tho). When the restlessness fades off, I'm always tired and I often doze off in the couch in our living room. A doesn't mind because he knows I'm better off in a different room whenever he's playing his online games with his friends.

Anyway, I'm extremely bothered by my weight gain. I was on my ideal weight four years ago (48 kg). I was very, very sad when I weighed myself at the doctor's office because I found out that I'm a whopping 81 kg now. I wanted to cry. I was in denial for a long time. I knew that I was already obese and looked like it. Thanks to my meds, unhealthy lifestyle and healthy appetite, I'm at my heaviest.

I've been obsessing on starting over again with Herbalife with light exercise before and after work. That means spending a little on the diet but that's okay, right? Aside from my looks and body, I'm very scared that I might get other medical issues like hypertension and diabetes. Not to mention that it will be hard to conceive when I'm obese. Spending just a little for my health is justifiable, right?

One of the signs of mania is excessive spending. I've been spending A LOT of money for our new house. Well, that's expected because we just moved in so we didn't have a lot of the essential things we needed for the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. Now that my house makeover is nearly done, I'm afraid that I'm looking for something new to spend on. That's where my diet and body comes in...

Aside from that, I haven't started on my urban garden and bought a piano yet. Oh well. #OneDayAtATime

I have to convince A that it's a worthwhile investment since we're sharing finances. He will be happier to have a slim, active and beautiful girlfriend.

[Diary] The best version of me

Everything worked out in the end. I am happy to say that I'm living my best life right now. 

Let's count our blessings today: a well-paying job, an awesome boyfriend, our own condo in an affluent neighborhood, better relationships with my family and lovely friends. I am happy to be in the middle of it. I deserve all of the beautiful blessings that God gave me today.

A and I ended up living together in a charming one bedroom apartment after we agreed to start our relationship sometime in July. Our relationship is wonderful, exciting and loving at the same time. It's like being with your best friend and lover at the same time. He gets my quirks, my mood swings and my weird hobbies because we share the same interests and proclivities. He's awfully supportive of me when I said I needed to take time off because of my mental health. Our motto for each other is wherever you go, I will go. Whatever you need, I will support you. He's incredibly sweet and romantic even if he seems like a gigantic, awkward bear to other people. Well, as long as that side is all mine then I've got nothing to be worried about. 

For once in my life, I know that I'm the only one in his eyes. I'm the only woman in his entire life. I don't have to compete with other ladies because he's chosen me. He will always choose me everyday and that fills my heart with complete joy. When we talk about our future kids and our future home, it's always "we" and "ours". Always ours. There is no doubt in my heart that this man who took his time to get to know me, my moods and my quirks had fully accepted me for who I am. Along the way, I've become whole so I can open my heart again for him.

He's the one that I've been waiting for all my life. All of the good, beautiful and amazing things that I deserve. A is loyal, faithful, malambing and loving to me. He washes the dishes, takes out the trash and reminds me why I've got to go to work everyday. The romance is still there when he looks at me over his coffee cup or when he sits beside me on the couch just because he missed me. Take note that I'm only in the sala and he's in the bedroom. He never criticizes my cooking, always kisses me when I ask him and sends me funny memes. A doesn't mind it when I cry to him after a long day at work or when I ask him to scratch my back. He's the practical one while I'm the dreamer. Living with him is a dream come true. No arguments, no clutter and no disagreements. Only healthy (heated) discussions and kisses afterwards. 

Sometimes, I wonder if this is all just a dream. What if I never woke up from that tranquilizer in the psychiatric ER four years ago? What if I'm in a coma and I made all of this up in my mind? My anxiety kicks in because it views the good stress as stress. What if he leaves? What if he stops loving me? What if it's all a dream?

But A assures me every morning that this is real. This is my new reality. Just because I've done some bad things in the past doesn't mean I don't deserve good stuff to happen to me. God has forgiven me for whatever I've done.

Now, I'm engrossed in decorating Bellevue (our home) in simple, minimal style. I will start an urban garden soon in our balcony so I can watch the sunset with a cup of tea. I can do yoga and meditation in the early morning. When I'm done with that, I will start playing music on the piano again. 

A will always be there for me and he'll just be in  our bedroom while I putter around our little house. Someday, he'll be watching me and our kids from the window with contentment in both of our hearts. 

[Diary] Rain, rain, go away

Lots of shitty things happened after I wrote my last post. 

First of all, we had to rush my deadbeat dad to the hospital for dyspepsia then we had to pay for the cost of the whole hassle. It was a truly enlightening experience. I spent about three nights without sleeping just to watch over him at that private hospital to make sure that his needs were met. It was up to my and my younger sister to care, wash and feed him just to keep him alive. The whole experience grated on my nerves! How dare he give my sister a lot of grief! There was a lot of family drama, lots of tears and lots of triggers for me. 

After three days, my depression started to kick in. My temper is also uncontrollable. I'm prone to major anger issues right now.

If it wasn't for my sister, I wouldn't even go there anymore. I would just lock myself up in my room and let him rot to hell. I won't move, I won't eat and I won't even show my face. It's his fault anyway that he always ends up in the hospital. It's not our fault. If only my sister wasn't so kind and caring, I doubt that we'll even bother with him.

I have a very long and troubled history with my father. It's not very good either. Let's just put it out there: I loathe him, I hate him and I harbor a very deep hatred for him and his kabit. Having such feelings is unhealthy and potentially dangerous for me. What can I do? No matter how much I pray to God, he's still alive. God, he doesn't deserve the oxygen. 

Look, I am being attacked on all fronts. I also want to add that I'm also getting a beating from behind. All of these things aren't good for me! I don't need stress, anger, exhaustion, jealousy and other unpleasant feelings. They are my triggers. They are making me sick!

I'm looking at unemployment, slow dwindling of funds and being the caregiver of the most loathsome human in all of history. Wouldn't you feel depressed at these prospects?

When we got him out of the hospital, I went straight to Manila because I was going to La Union with Albin and his friends.

Yes, I felt guilty for leaving my sister to do the aftercare routine, to clean my worthless father's house and to buy his necessities. But if I didn't leave, you can bet that I will totally go ape-shit crazy at the slightest provocation.

What else happened? Oh yeah! Albin, Mervin, Joanne and I went to La Union on Thursday. Albin and I were just tagging along the trip for fun. We stayed there for one night.

Albin was sweet enough to treat me to a day out on the beach. We stayed in Aureo, La Union. The suite was gorgeous, the food was amazing and the view was great. It was great. (I also want to add that the cocktails were a little too strong but that's the best thing ever!) We also had dinner with a respected and well-known society family in the area.

We went back to Manila on Friday. Albin and I did the usual: check in at Hop Inn (& GO Hotel), eat/play/hang out at High Grounds and sleep. We also visited his mother who was also rushed to the hospital. We formally met for the first time.

It was supposed to be all shiny and rainbow bright when I came back from my mini-vacation. Nope, I still felt shitty and depressed as soon as I came back home. I don't know how to make it go away. Even now, I'm still feeling shitty. Depressed. Despair is here to stand with me now.

I should talk to my doctors about this. I should deal with it before it gets worse.

my life

I really wanted to believe that my life would be better last year. I got my dream job, I got a great guy and I got a great apartment. I thought that the good times would start rolling by then. Nope! Life will always pull the rug from under my feet so I'd be left with my butt in the air.

My job? No pay for six months because the company went on pause. My guy? Still no label, no official relationship. Both of these milestones barely managed to reach an anniversary. Yeah, they both started at the same time. My apartment? I don't know what to do with it.

I'm currently at home in the province. Things got crazy so I decided to go home instead to sort things out in my head. I'm at home with my mother, three siblings and two grandparents. My job was generous enough to let us all work from home before we completely stop operations by the middle of July. My silver lining is that I'm going to be working from home and paid properly for nearly a month. I guess that's enough time to sort things out.

I'm going to be honest with myself and say that I don't really want to go back to Manila for work. I'm not feeling hot about it. Maybe it's the onset of depression but I just want to go home to my family. I want to stay with my family for a while. Rest, sleep, eat proper food and probably exercise. I want to give up my apartment so I could work from home full time. Believe me, I've been trying my best to find a job that will let me work from home forever. 

But I know that I will also go stir crazy if I live with my family 24/7. They know how to push my buttons. They always manager to trigger me somehow. It's not healthy at all. But I have to bear with it while I get my ducks in a row.

I'll also be honest that I don't want to give up my dorm just yet because it's so convenient. It's so close to one of the most expensive cities in the Philippines but it's so cheap. It's also really hot in the summer because it doesn't have air conditioning and it's not really comfortable. It's just a place to sleep in for me. My housemates are decent ladies and I get along with them just fine. I only have a few clothes over there. You know what kind. The interview and business casual kind. I was thinking that maybe I still need them someday so I'll keep there in my room for the meantime. I also have a bunch of resumes over there.

I'm just making it up as I go along. I don't have a master plan. I don't even know what to eat tomorrow. I'm just trying to make things work out as smoothly as possible and minimize damage as much as I can. 

Working from home means paying no rent, flexible time schedule and opportunities to diet/exercise.

Working in Manila means paying rent, structured work-home routine and opportunities to see my boy.

In the next six months, I just want to make sure that I'll have a job, medication, bi-monthly checkups and something resembling a successful life. I want to make sure that I will be able to support myself. Either way, I know it will work out. I just need to see the hand of God working on it so I'll know how to adjust my plans otherwise.

Ever since I arrived last Sunday, I've done nothing but clean the house. I am very serious. I've cleaned all of the areas that I could reach. I wanted to make sure that my home will be clutter free. I guess it's hypomania kicking in because it's a weird feeling. Like having an extra shot of Redbull in my system. Let me also say that I'm not done yet. I will keep cleaning until they beg for mercy.

I don't have enough energy to make plans anymore

It's a struggle to wake up at 6 AM again to prepare for work. I live nearby so going to work isn't really an issue. But I always have a hard time waking up, showering and getting dressed every single morning. My schedule is normal and I like it that way.

When I started working on a more normal and regular schedule, my mood improved. It's because I also sleep on time every night and wake up at the same time. I always take my medication on time too. It's great. I love the company that I work with because they were kind enough to give me the schedule that I asked for.

Today is the last day for my work week. I'm planning to spend my weekend at home in Lipa with my parents, brothers and other relatives. I will also do my laundry and buy groceries for my father. I'll also try to play Tree of Savior because I already miss my character, Aya-chan. I'm going to train myself to see Albin for only a couple of times in a month to save money. I really want to learn to balance my time with him and my family. 

To be honest, I would really like to have time and money to do stuff I love on my weekends. I want to go to museums, get my hair done, go shopping and go to a spa. I want to sleep in and just sleep to my heart's content. 

bonding with my roommates

I live in a small apartment with three roommates in Makati. It's very near my office and it's got everything that I need. I can cook, wash clothes and store food in a refrigerator. This is a very big thing because it's not often that you can find a place that lets you have that.

My housemates are Mimi, Che and Ate Jo. We often kid each other that we live in a staff house and our company should pay for our rent since we're staying in the same house together.

It's a national holiday today so I didn't have work. It's their rest day too so we all decided to go to Market! Market! for window shopping and to buy ingredients to make Mango Graham cake. We went window shopping, checked airline ticket prices for Ate Jocelyn and then we had lunch in Tokyo Tokyo. We used GrabCar for both trips since there's four of us.

I tried to sleep early because I was going to go back to my 8AM to 5PM schedule at work. As it turns out, I was sucked into listening to a new Serial Killers podcast episode and online shopping in Zalora.