[30 Days] Your beliefs, in great detail [09/30]

I only have a small faith but it's better than nothing at all. Of course, I've gone through too many dark, sad and angry events in my life that led me to question the existence of a higher power. I've experienced plenty of trials that led me to become faithless in the past 10 years but I also went through some pretty powerful moments wherein I began to believe again.

When I started going to Center for Family Ministries (CEFAM) in Quezon City, it was because I was in a desperate situation. 

My then boyfriend (Max) was cheating on me, I'd quit my job and I was still angry at my dad so I had lots of things going on in the background. 

I am still grateful to this day because they had an opening for a session on the same day that I contacted them. Someone had cancelled unexpectedly so I was accommodated even though I haven't made an appointment.

On the day that I met Father Ben, I was broken, depressed and full of despair. I wasn't expecting anything monumental to happen because I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted someone to listen to me. 

Our first session went on with me just crying and talking. (Now that I think about it, it reminded me of that time I went to the psychiatric ER for help.) Father Ben listened to me, gave me tissues and allowed me to be miserable. Then he started to talk to me.

I clearly remember that he said that it was God's will for me to come to his office that day. At the precise moment when I needed God's guidance, He opened the door for me at CEFAM. God hadn't forgotten me yet, he said. It's just His way of showing me how much He cared about me.

In spite of all the bad things that I've done in my life and all of the sins that I've committed against my Roman Catholic faith, I didn't feel like Father Ben judged me as a priest and psychologist. He simply told me that I still had a little faith in my heart and that's more than enough. 

It was like the sun came out from behind the clouds in the middle of a storm. His words were like bright rays of sunshine. I've been too afraid to go to church and to talk to a priest in confession because of all the bad, bad things I've done. But in Father Ben's office, I felt vindicated and absolved.

Over the next few years, I visited him whenever I can. I needed to see Father Ben regularly so I can talk about what's going on inside my head. He's a professional and a psychologist so I'm given a chance to learn how to manage my mental illness, cope with my stress and grow my faith. I'm very grateful for that.

Honestly, I'm not a religious person but that's okay. I practice my faith by being a good person everyday. I try my best not to commit any more major sins and to be more faithful to God's teachings of love, compassion and acceptance. 

I still believe in God and my religion is still Roman Catholic. I've been reared into the faith ever since I was a child and I've even taught Catechism to kids in our village for three summers before college. Yes, that's a true story. I even participated regularly in Holy Mass as a Commentator and Reader. 

It's so strange and sad that someone who was so close to God had fallen so deeply into sin. But Father Ben told me that it's my faith that kept me strong in times of great trouble. It was my faith in God that kept me from committing suicide and what pushed me to seek help in my darkest hour.

When I am weak and vulnerable, I pray. When I am angry or confused, I pray. When I am serene and content, I pray. God is there. He is always listening and His glory is blinding. I only have to sit still, be silent and wait for His move. 

I also believe that there's nothing wrong in being a good person even though other people are horrible to you because I choose to see the best in others. Many friends had speculated that maybe I was an angel who actually got lost on the way to the kitchen and got stuck here. Who knows? Maybe that's the truth.