I'm in a strange state of mind because I want to talk about my previous exes. It's like choosing to suck out the poison from a snake bite even though you have a mouth sore. Painful but necessary.
After writing that incendiary entry about Max, I broke down to Albin last night. I didn't realize that I was still in pain from all of the trauma and horror that happened to me.
My loving, understanding and kind bf just hugged me and let me cry all over his shirt.
It's pretty obvious to my boyfriend that I've mostly blocked most of those memories in order to keep functioning like a normal human being. We've already established that I'm not normal, well-adjusted or even healthy. I'm just fucked up from all of the things that happened to me in the past and I'm still smarting from all of that trauma.
When my relationship with Max ended on October 2018, I had the apartment all to myself. I was numb, angry and full of negative feelings towards myself and the rest of the world.
Being alone in that studio apartment in a comfortable middle-class neighborhood in Quezon City wasn't going to be good for me but I stuck with it. I wanted to keep self-isolating, drinking and wallowing in my misery in the safety of the four walls of my studio apartment.
Although I had meds, doctor visits and therapy, I was still far from well. At that time, I was working in BGC as a network engineer on night shift so being alone in my apartment exacerbated my situation. In fact, I was at my most self-destructive and suicidal.
My bipolar disorder 1 gave me extreme mood swings, a reckless attitude and a drive to destroy myself slowly. Being depressed and manic at the same time is not fun and very dangerous at the same time. I was very prone to self-destructive behavior and could be triggered to self-harm.
My psychiatrist had already tried to make me aware that I had dangerous coping mechanisms in the past. My coping mechanisms and vices included drinking excessively, eating at expensive restaurants and hooking up with men over dating apps like Tinder. Don't worry, I am an advocate of safe sex and I practiced what I preached. I even go to Love Yourself Anglo every six months to get tested for AIDS. There's no shame in being safe than sorry.
Ever since I was a teenager, I've always tried my best to avoid being single so I engaged in hookup culture with gusto. For me, men provided me with validation and a relief for my raging sex drive. Before I started my mood stabilizers, I was like a bitch in heat and my sex drive could put an 18-year-old boy's libido to shame.
I lost my virginity at 17-years-old. I've already slept with more than 50 men before I turned 30-years-old. I've had a threesome, hooked up with a lesbian and had countless flings with single men, married men and sometimes, women.
In this prudish and "conservative" society, I was condemned as an easy woman because I couldn't last a month without sex and without a man around. But I couldn't help it because my body needed the release that I got from sex. It was like an orgasm could easily calm me down and bring me back to my senses. It's like a drug and I needed my fix.
In my mind, men existed to be my toys and playthings. After everything that had happened to me, I'd already become numb and unfeeling. I could just go for a wham, bam, thank you mam! kind off encounter and then leave the man without looking back.
He was just a dick that I used for my own desire. That was it. There was no need for an emotional connection and definitely no need for love. My relationship with Max also started with a heated physical connection and things escalated from there.
I just want to make things clear that I am not interested in other men when I'm already in a relationship. It's like I put on blinders and forget everyone else. That's why I stupidly thought that if I stayed with Max then I could stop sleeping around even if it was a toxic relationship.
Anyway, I was single already so I could go back to my old habit of sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I didn't have to look far for my next victim.
Since I worked as a network engineer for a male-dominated company in BGC, I didn't have to do anything to stand out. Just being a female was enough.
Anyway, I was training for soft skills when I noticed this short, half-Japanese guy with very long hair playing a game on his phone. He introduced himself as Kajiren and he mentioned that his hobbies included anime, games and other stuff that I liked. I thought to myself that I wanted to get to know him as a friend. At the time I met him, I was still trapped in that situation with Max.
Fate was certainly playing a joke on me that year. As it turned out, this guy and I shared the same route home. In fact, he lived 10 minutes away from my house. We were surprised to find each other at the bus stop and got to talking about our similar interests. We became fast friends.
There was no need to seduce the guy because I was still in a relationship and I wanted to make it work. Since Kajiren was also in a long-term relationship with the mother of his child, we could be just friends.
Kajiren and I shared a lot of long bus rides on our way home to Quezon City. We also chatted a lot in our company's instant messaging system during the day. Since he was the only one I knew who shared my shift, I often tagged along when he went to smoke with another coworker.
As things broke down at home, I sought comfort and relief outside. I didn't want to be around Max so I asked my girlfriends at work for a night out. We decided on a bar near the office. At the spur of the moment, I invited Kajiren along.
To my surprise, he joined us when his shift ended. We had a great time that night with my girlfriends from work. Since we shared the same route to go home, I was not worried that I was tipsy because I knew that he was a gentleman who'd keep an eye on me.
I knew he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend but things still escalated. My body was humming with desire and my mind was becoming cloudy. My life was already shitty but I was going to make another decision that would really fuck it up.
By the time I reached my stop that morning, I'd kissed him on the cheek. He'd smiled at me in the sweetest way as I stumbled down the bus.
It was around the same week that I ended things with Max because I wanted to keep things open with Kajiren.
Yeah, I know. I'm a bad person and I'm a really evil woman for going after him. It's not the right thing to do but it felt right at that time. Manic Mimi wasn't going to let an opportunity to eat new meat pass. If Max was out of the way then I was free to pursue a no-strings-attached and certainly carnal connection with a new guy. Everyone wins.
Kajiren and I launched a full-blown affair after that. Even though he had a girlfriend, we started up a relationship and reveled in the honeymoon phase. In order to save money, we spent most of our days holed up in my apartment.
We were oddly matched physically but we were compatible in so many ways. Having sex with him was like being burned by a bonfire. He was the flame that consumed me completely. I couldn't get enough of him. It was like being burned to ashes so that a phoenix could be reborn. There was no love at first. It was just a purely physical thing.
Aside from the amazing physical connection, we had long conversations and we bared our souls to each other. We could drink with his friend, sing in karaokes and get goofy with each other. I could watch him play Fate Grand Order for hours while using him as a pillow. We would watch anime series that I've downloaded from Netflix for hours. We'd go on dates in the farthest and most obscure places in Quezon City to avoid his girlfriend.
He told me that I was his dream girl and that he wished that he'd me before his then girlfriend. He said that I was funny, smart and caring. I was the exact opposite of her. I respected him and he genuinely wanted to change for me. He said the things that I wanted to hear and I didn't squash the seeds of hope that sprung up inside my foolish three-pound cardiovascular organ.
I've already had some experience with this kind of setup so I didn't think much about it. I thought it was just normal to be a dirty secret at that time. I was clearly fucked up.
He would tell me stuff about her, their relationship and his son. How he loved and adored his son tugged at my heartstrings. I already knew that I would have to let go of him eventually. If a man had a child with another woman then you should let the child win. You don't stand a fighting chance. You'll have to walk away from the relationship sooner or later.
We were able to spend three blissful months with each other before he left to go back home. I was stupid not to realize that he was working things out with his live in partner while I pined for him. Yes, I was stupid enough to fall in love and to believe him when he said that he loved me too.
Other shitty stuff was happening in the background like my depression, my AWOL status in that company and my mounting credit card debt. I was back to being alone in my apartment and drinking beer every night. It was obvious to everyone else that I was slowly destroying myself and my posts on Facebook were cries of help. I was almost always hinting that I would really commit suicide.
When I went AWOL in my family's group chat, my mother got really mad at me for the first time in a decade. That was a really painful learning experience too. Seeing your mother cry in front of you and your illicit lover was both humbling and humiliating. I am still feeling sorry for that incident.
After that incident, Kajiren would show up at my doorstep every once in a while. I would let him in my apartment, we'll sleep together and he would leave the next day. I tried my very hardest not to look like a wounded puppy and just looked away.
His girlfriend had also found out about us and had sent me a couple of scathing messages. I didn't bother to reply. I just blocked her. I was sorry for what I did but I didn't want to be the punching bag for her wrath.
Things came to a head when I finally came home to Batangas for Holy Week. I went on a visita iglesia trip with my mother and grandmother where we visited three churches in one day. I kept asking God for help so I can get out of this situation and move on with my life. I was so tired of waiting and hoping like a stupid fool.
Thankfully, he left me a very long message on April Fool's Day 2019 to tell me that we're over. He was going to choose his son over me. Although he loved me, he was going to let me go because he loved his son more. I thought it was a joke at first but I accepted it as the inevitable.
It felt like a thorn was slowly pulled out of my heart. I did cry to his friend who'd become my friend for a solid 30 minutes and slept in my mother's bed that night.
Then I went back to Manila and slept around with as many people as possible to forget. Unfortunately, I picked up the filthy habit of smoking and launched into a full-blown manic phase first.
What did I tell you? I liked to pick up two rocks and start hitting myself on the head. This kind of self-destructive coping mechanism wasn't getting me anywhere. It was only after this disaster that my psychiatrist was able to help me.
I let go of my apartment, sold my furniture and moved away to live in a dorm in Pasig so I could be closer to my new job. I wanted to live in a room with three other girls so I can stop feeling lonely and stop my self-isolation. I didn't want to give myself another chance to continue self-harming.
It was painfully obvious that I wanted to put as much distance as possible between us. I didn't want to be 10 minutes away from him and I didn't want to give him a chance to darken my door ever again. I wanted to forget about everything that had ever happened to us. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I would still take him back if he walked back into my life and I'd forgive him for the pain that he gave me. I didn't want to risk it anymore.
So I turned my attention to work and to trying out new hobbies. I climbed a mountain with four other girlfriends from my new job for the first time. I enjoyed my smoking habit. I still drank and slept around but they lessened with every month that passed.
When I went to travel to Ilocos with a male friend/fling for five days, I realized that I was finally free. I was going to be OK. Being in an unfamiliar place, seeing new things and walking along the seaside brought peace to my restless heart.
After that retreat, I promised myself that I'd stop all of these bad habits and kick all of my self-destructive coping mechanisms to the curb. I would try more wholesome and less dangerous hobbies to cope with my own trauma. I would stop seeking the thrill, the reckless abandon of illicit affairs and the crazy dangerous situations that I often found myself in. I have to stop somewhere, right?
These days, my psychiatrist is always pleased because I've already given up the slut lifestyle, the smoking and the self-harm. I was in a healthy relationship with my family and boyfriend. I've started on a wellness journey to be a more well-adjusted, well-rounded and mentally fit person.
As I expected, Kajiren showed up on my inbox again this year. My psychiatrist had urged me to tell my abusers about my experience, my trauma and my unresolved issues so I could finally move on. I had to face the problem head-on.
So I told him exactly what happened to me, what I was thinking and what I felt about him. He was going to be the last mistake of my life so I explained that I didn't love him anymore and I was already in a happy relationship. There was no need for us to see each other.
In a way, it was like another thorn was extracted out of my poor heart. I was not blameless in this sordid affair but I was the one who got hurt the most. My doctor would be glad to know that I've already began facing my demons one by one and I will keep slaying them so I can finally live a more peaceful and meaningful life.
After writing that incendiary entry about Max, I broke down to Albin last night. I didn't realize that I was still in pain from all of the trauma and horror that happened to me.
My loving, understanding and kind bf just hugged me and let me cry all over his shirt.
It's pretty obvious to my boyfriend that I've mostly blocked most of those memories in order to keep functioning like a normal human being. We've already established that I'm not normal, well-adjusted or even healthy. I'm just fucked up from all of the things that happened to me in the past and I'm still smarting from all of that trauma.
When my relationship with Max ended on October 2018, I had the apartment all to myself. I was numb, angry and full of negative feelings towards myself and the rest of the world.
Being alone in that studio apartment in a comfortable middle-class neighborhood in Quezon City wasn't going to be good for me but I stuck with it. I wanted to keep self-isolating, drinking and wallowing in my misery in the safety of the four walls of my studio apartment.
Although I had meds, doctor visits and therapy, I was still far from well. At that time, I was working in BGC as a network engineer on night shift so being alone in my apartment exacerbated my situation. In fact, I was at my most self-destructive and suicidal.
My bipolar disorder 1 gave me extreme mood swings, a reckless attitude and a drive to destroy myself slowly. Being depressed and manic at the same time is not fun and very dangerous at the same time. I was very prone to self-destructive behavior and could be triggered to self-harm.
My psychiatrist had already tried to make me aware that I had dangerous coping mechanisms in the past. My coping mechanisms and vices included drinking excessively, eating at expensive restaurants and hooking up with men over dating apps like Tinder. Don't worry, I am an advocate of safe sex and I practiced what I preached. I even go to Love Yourself Anglo every six months to get tested for AIDS. There's no shame in being safe than sorry.
Ever since I was a teenager, I've always tried my best to avoid being single so I engaged in hookup culture with gusto. For me, men provided me with validation and a relief for my raging sex drive. Before I started my mood stabilizers, I was like a bitch in heat and my sex drive could put an 18-year-old boy's libido to shame.
I lost my virginity at 17-years-old. I've already slept with more than 50 men before I turned 30-years-old. I've had a threesome, hooked up with a lesbian and had countless flings with single men, married men and sometimes, women.
In this prudish and "conservative" society, I was condemned as an easy woman because I couldn't last a month without sex and without a man around. But I couldn't help it because my body needed the release that I got from sex. It was like an orgasm could easily calm me down and bring me back to my senses. It's like a drug and I needed my fix.
In my mind, men existed to be my toys and playthings. After everything that had happened to me, I'd already become numb and unfeeling. I could just go for a wham, bam, thank you mam! kind off encounter and then leave the man without looking back.
He was just a dick that I used for my own desire. That was it. There was no need for an emotional connection and definitely no need for love. My relationship with Max also started with a heated physical connection and things escalated from there.
I just want to make things clear that I am not interested in other men when I'm already in a relationship. It's like I put on blinders and forget everyone else. That's why I stupidly thought that if I stayed with Max then I could stop sleeping around even if it was a toxic relationship.
Anyway, I was single already so I could go back to my old habit of sleeping with every Tom, Dick and Harry. I didn't have to look far for my next victim.
Since I worked as a network engineer for a male-dominated company in BGC, I didn't have to do anything to stand out. Just being a female was enough.
Anyway, I was training for soft skills when I noticed this short, half-Japanese guy with very long hair playing a game on his phone. He introduced himself as Kajiren and he mentioned that his hobbies included anime, games and other stuff that I liked. I thought to myself that I wanted to get to know him as a friend. At the time I met him, I was still trapped in that situation with Max.
Fate was certainly playing a joke on me that year. As it turned out, this guy and I shared the same route home. In fact, he lived 10 minutes away from my house. We were surprised to find each other at the bus stop and got to talking about our similar interests. We became fast friends.
There was no need to seduce the guy because I was still in a relationship and I wanted to make it work. Since Kajiren was also in a long-term relationship with the mother of his child, we could be just friends.
Kajiren and I shared a lot of long bus rides on our way home to Quezon City. We also chatted a lot in our company's instant messaging system during the day. Since he was the only one I knew who shared my shift, I often tagged along when he went to smoke with another coworker.
As things broke down at home, I sought comfort and relief outside. I didn't want to be around Max so I asked my girlfriends at work for a night out. We decided on a bar near the office. At the spur of the moment, I invited Kajiren along.
To my surprise, he joined us when his shift ended. We had a great time that night with my girlfriends from work. Since we shared the same route to go home, I was not worried that I was tipsy because I knew that he was a gentleman who'd keep an eye on me.
I knew he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend but things still escalated. My body was humming with desire and my mind was becoming cloudy. My life was already shitty but I was going to make another decision that would really fuck it up.
By the time I reached my stop that morning, I'd kissed him on the cheek. He'd smiled at me in the sweetest way as I stumbled down the bus.
It was around the same week that I ended things with Max because I wanted to keep things open with Kajiren.
Yeah, I know. I'm a bad person and I'm a really evil woman for going after him. It's not the right thing to do but it felt right at that time. Manic Mimi wasn't going to let an opportunity to eat new meat pass. If Max was out of the way then I was free to pursue a no-strings-attached and certainly carnal connection with a new guy. Everyone wins.
Kajiren and I launched a full-blown affair after that. Even though he had a girlfriend, we started up a relationship and reveled in the honeymoon phase. In order to save money, we spent most of our days holed up in my apartment.
We were oddly matched physically but we were compatible in so many ways. Having sex with him was like being burned by a bonfire. He was the flame that consumed me completely. I couldn't get enough of him. It was like being burned to ashes so that a phoenix could be reborn. There was no love at first. It was just a purely physical thing.
Aside from the amazing physical connection, we had long conversations and we bared our souls to each other. We could drink with his friend, sing in karaokes and get goofy with each other. I could watch him play Fate Grand Order for hours while using him as a pillow. We would watch anime series that I've downloaded from Netflix for hours. We'd go on dates in the farthest and most obscure places in Quezon City to avoid his girlfriend.
He told me that I was his dream girl and that he wished that he'd me before his then girlfriend. He said that I was funny, smart and caring. I was the exact opposite of her. I respected him and he genuinely wanted to change for me. He said the things that I wanted to hear and I didn't squash the seeds of hope that sprung up inside my foolish three-pound cardiovascular organ.
I've already had some experience with this kind of setup so I didn't think much about it. I thought it was just normal to be a dirty secret at that time. I was clearly fucked up.
He would tell me stuff about her, their relationship and his son. How he loved and adored his son tugged at my heartstrings. I already knew that I would have to let go of him eventually. If a man had a child with another woman then you should let the child win. You don't stand a fighting chance. You'll have to walk away from the relationship sooner or later.
We were able to spend three blissful months with each other before he left to go back home. I was stupid not to realize that he was working things out with his live in partner while I pined for him. Yes, I was stupid enough to fall in love and to believe him when he said that he loved me too.
Other shitty stuff was happening in the background like my depression, my AWOL status in that company and my mounting credit card debt. I was back to being alone in my apartment and drinking beer every night. It was obvious to everyone else that I was slowly destroying myself and my posts on Facebook were cries of help. I was almost always hinting that I would really commit suicide.
When I went AWOL in my family's group chat, my mother got really mad at me for the first time in a decade. That was a really painful learning experience too. Seeing your mother cry in front of you and your illicit lover was both humbling and humiliating. I am still feeling sorry for that incident.
After that incident, Kajiren would show up at my doorstep every once in a while. I would let him in my apartment, we'll sleep together and he would leave the next day. I tried my very hardest not to look like a wounded puppy and just looked away.
His girlfriend had also found out about us and had sent me a couple of scathing messages. I didn't bother to reply. I just blocked her. I was sorry for what I did but I didn't want to be the punching bag for her wrath.
Things came to a head when I finally came home to Batangas for Holy Week. I went on a visita iglesia trip with my mother and grandmother where we visited three churches in one day. I kept asking God for help so I can get out of this situation and move on with my life. I was so tired of waiting and hoping like a stupid fool.
Thankfully, he left me a very long message on April Fool's Day 2019 to tell me that we're over. He was going to choose his son over me. Although he loved me, he was going to let me go because he loved his son more. I thought it was a joke at first but I accepted it as the inevitable.
It felt like a thorn was slowly pulled out of my heart. I did cry to his friend who'd become my friend for a solid 30 minutes and slept in my mother's bed that night.
Then I went back to Manila and slept around with as many people as possible to forget. Unfortunately, I picked up the filthy habit of smoking and launched into a full-blown manic phase first.
I let go of my apartment, sold my furniture and moved away to live in a dorm in Pasig so I could be closer to my new job. I wanted to live in a room with three other girls so I can stop feeling lonely and stop my self-isolation. I didn't want to give myself another chance to continue self-harming.
It was painfully obvious that I wanted to put as much distance as possible between us. I didn't want to be 10 minutes away from him and I didn't want to give him a chance to darken my door ever again. I wanted to forget about everything that had ever happened to us. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I would still take him back if he walked back into my life and I'd forgive him for the pain that he gave me. I didn't want to risk it anymore.
So I turned my attention to work and to trying out new hobbies. I climbed a mountain with four other girlfriends from my new job for the first time. I enjoyed my smoking habit. I still drank and slept around but they lessened with every month that passed.
When I went to travel to Ilocos with a male friend/fling for five days, I realized that I was finally free. I was going to be OK. Being in an unfamiliar place, seeing new things and walking along the seaside brought peace to my restless heart.
After that retreat, I promised myself that I'd stop all of these bad habits and kick all of my self-destructive coping mechanisms to the curb. I would try more wholesome and less dangerous hobbies to cope with my own trauma. I would stop seeking the thrill, the reckless abandon of illicit affairs and the crazy dangerous situations that I often found myself in. I have to stop somewhere, right?
These days, my psychiatrist is always pleased because I've already given up the slut lifestyle, the smoking and the self-harm. I was in a healthy relationship with my family and boyfriend. I've started on a wellness journey to be a more well-adjusted, well-rounded and mentally fit person.
As I expected, Kajiren showed up on my inbox again this year. My psychiatrist had urged me to tell my abusers about my experience, my trauma and my unresolved issues so I could finally move on. I had to face the problem head-on.
So I told him exactly what happened to me, what I was thinking and what I felt about him. He was going to be the last mistake of my life so I explained that I didn't love him anymore and I was already in a happy relationship. There was no need for us to see each other.
In a way, it was like another thorn was extracted out of my poor heart. I was not blameless in this sordid affair but I was the one who got hurt the most. My doctor would be glad to know that I've already began facing my demons one by one and I will keep slaying them so I can finally live a more peaceful and meaningful life.
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