[Diary] The Queen of Change and Contradictions

I am the queen of contradiction. If you do not know me personally then you would not understand me at first. 

I have always been like this. I say one thing but mean another. Today, I might want to become an astronaut and then tomorrow I might want to be a beauty pageant queen. I change my mind in the drop of a hat and in the blink of an eye. 

Contrary to popular belief, I am aware that it bugs some people but I believe that you have to go with the flow. You cannot expect the wind to always blow in the same direction.

This is actually an inherent quality that has always been with me since the beginning of my existence. I remember quite vividly as a child that I usually surprise my parents when I told them I wanted to become a lawyer for a day and then I changed my mind just as quickly to say that I wanted to become a writer. 

This is definitely proof that I am an extremist. There is no grey area for me. There is only black and white.

I cannot help this, even if I wanted to. If I believe in something or anything, nothing can make me budge from it. But then I find myself standing on the opposite side, arguing to the point of no return. Strangely, nobody seems to notice how I change sides so quickly until I point it out. 

For example, I will say that I don't believe in ghosts but then it will always be inevitably followed by "but I think there might be something that supports that claim online..." Funnily enough, if you tell me about my sins, I can accidentally turn them virtues.

I am born as a trickster queen, a shape-shifting being. I am a social chameleon that changes colors with the background to suit my moods or their moods. An admirer once told me, "it must be so hard to be you. You're like an angel who travels between earth and heaven, always longing for more. The trip must be exhausting."

Although I am often called as a two-faced person to my face, I get away with it because I am extremely charming. They forget their anger once I turn on the charm and then I talk so quickly and so sweetly that they'll often find themselves relenting and then we can go on as happily as before. 

That doesn't last forever though. They seem to remember their grudges at the most inconvenient times. That's all right because I can still get away with anything if I put my mind into it. Just ask my parents.

You might find yourselves thinking now that I'm such a selfish, rude and irresponsible person. That's not actually far from the truth. 

I can be those things but the problem is that I am also selfless, polite and prone to believing that I am born to save mankind. That's when you start getting headaches and ask me to just go back to who I was but it's too late. I'm already stuck with my new role and I might have temporary amnesia about my previous personality.

Many of my family and friends had told me time and again that I have to stick something. Even my boyfriend agrees because he's tired of being on his toes all the time. 

But love is meant to be exciting, right? He's also very lucky that he's got a harem of women in the body of one. People have asked him time and again about the different girls he's always seen every time with but he has only one girlfriend. 

They keep telling me that I cannot be one thing today, tomorrow another. I have to be constant, in other words, reliable. Conformism and consistency are not my best points so I lost that battle.

Believe it or not, that is the only promise that I cannot keep. I cannot change myself. This is ironic because I am the master of change but I cannot master this. 

Ever since I was a child, I've known that I was not born to be boring. If you ask me to become a rock- solid, steadfast and immovable- then you should have asked me to die. 

I am like the wind which is free, unfettered and answerable only to itself. I loathe the boring and the mundane. That is anathema to my spirit. I thrive on change, multi-tasking and talking. I live on the edge, on the extreme! I am the life of the party, the breath of inspiration and the driving force. 

Nobody can tell me to quit my libertine lifestyle. You might as well tell me to sew my lips shut.

I also have to tell you for the record that it's totally okay if you do not understand. I am a regular headache for the people I love but that doesn't mean you have to hurt your heads too. This is merely a sketch, a facet of me. 

People don't understand me. Although I did try once to explain myself but it only lost them to oblivion. That's not my fault anymore, I think. 

My confidence is interpreted as arrogance; my intellect is seen as madness. I am fine with it, in spite of my incredibly ridiculous damaged past. Only the brave, the bold and the crazy can still get up and become geniuses after verbal abuse and social destruction. 

This is also a great piece of advice: don't give a flying bleep to what they think. It's a skill and a mantra. As long as you're not stepping on anybody's freedom then you're not overstepping your boundaries. Contrary to popular belief, I do have boundaries. They're just farther than the regular person's.

I do not care about your opinion because everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I might have tried to please everyone on my not-so-distant past but it's not pretty. I got tired of it quickly. Why should I do what they want when I can do what I want? 

Like I said, I am capable of changing quickly to suit my needs. In my current line of work now, some consistency is needed when it comes to deadlines, metrics and results. This is not your ordinary desk job. 

In the end, I have to set up a  goal that I will develop some consistency for the sake of my psychiatrist. I am free to come and go as I pleased but I have a short kite string. I am not good with promises but I will try my best. After all, I am so very proud of my talent for change.

Do you understand me better now? I am the queen of contradiction and consistency, of tricksters and lawyers. I deserve my title because I am all that and more, thanks to my bipolar disorder.