That's exactly how I felt when I fell in love for the first time.
I was only 16 when it happened. I was a young woman, a flowering girl. I believed that I was ready for love after reading too many Precious Hearts Romances and Mills and Boon books.
Yet all of the beautiful and mysterious feelings that I welcomed into my life was from a boy who lived more than a thousand miles away.
We met online through a message board, Himitsu Desu! A NaruHina forum, that was founded by a mutual friend, syaoran no hime. It was an exclusive members-only club that supported the Naruto pairing of Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuuga. You know, that's my OTP (One True Pairing) so I wanted to believe that a love as strong, gentle and unbreakable can happen to me.
It was the summer of 2005 and I was waiting for my high school graduation with no idea of what to do with my life. I haven't made any plans for college, I haven't applied for summer jobs and I was basically stuck. My parents weren't any help when it came to the career choice department because they had problems of their own. My home life was a living hell and I was bullied in high school. When I went online, that's the only time I actually felt like I was worth something.
I was bored at home so I began to actively post my opinions, thoughts and fanfiction online. I slowly formed my online persona, Aya-chan. She's sweet, innocent, unexpectedly funny, friendly and beloved by her little community. She was very different from who I really am but I guess that's the beauty of role-playing online. You can escape the mundane aspects of your real life to become a popular, beautiful and beloved by her peers.
Over time, I started becoming friends with a guy who lived in the other side of the globe aptly named Lazyninja86. I called him Lazy-kun for short.We got along fairly well because of mutual interest in several topics and there was just tons of chemistry over our long conversations.
Before we knew it, we were spamming the board mercilessly with conversations that veered light years away from the original topic. We also met for the first time via a group chat in Yahoo Messenger on a weekend. It was tons of fun! We exchanged screen names and also began long marathon conversations in the now-defunct Yahoo! Messenger. We couldn't get enough of each other's company. I am not ashamed to say that I stayed online 23 hours a day just to hang out with him and the rest of our friends.
We were both graduating from high school. He lived in the US so he was older than I was. I was 16 while he was 19. It didn't matter because we enjoyed each other's company. He was incredibly funny, witty and driven. I admired his passion to become a photographer. I loved how he listened to me and how he made me laugh. Although our friendship was built over wires and keyboards, I felt that we had really connected over those IM chats.
Our friends noticed our closeness and immediately knew that something was up. They began to tease us mercilessly. They egged our blooming friendship into something more. We both thought that we were mature and smart enough to handle the situation...
So we agreed to try a relationship for three days...
... and then it lasted for more than six months.
It was also a long-distance relationship, mind you. We had both agreed to call it off if it doesn't work out and we would stay as friends. We were very sure that our friendship will survive.
I have to admit that I've only had crushes over boys but nothing beyond that. I was truly inexperienced when it came to dating so I didn't realize that we were both setting ourselves up.
But let me talk about the good parts first. He was my first love because he was the one who taught me how to care about another person. He taught me how to appreciate effort and how to be more understanding. We both wanted to meet each other someday soon. We both wanted the same things out of life. We were always on the same page. It was funny how he can read my head and how he can catch my moods. I was always ready to listen to him and to encourage him to follow his dreams. It was a great first relationship.
I started to form my own philosophy on love. As long as I was honest, trusting and understanding, it was going to work. I was always an "All-or-nothing" kind of girl because I really believed that the love that resides in my heart was mine. All mine to give and no regrets. I did my 110% for him because I wanted him to know that I loved him very much and I didn't want him to feel that I didn't make an effort.
I was never shy about showing my feelings either. I'd let him know how much I cared and I'd walk the extra mile. I know that I'm a wonderful girlfriend because I'm the perfect Yamato Nadeshiko. All sweet and feminine with a burning fire behind my smile.
In hindsight, it wasn't going to work out as well as we had hoped. One, we've never met each other. Two, it was a long-distance relationship. Three, we were both young. Four, we were both in different places in our lives because we were taking up college as freshmen.
We certainly had a lot of growing up to do.
Our relationship ended when I met someone else from school. We both took it badly and we didn't talk to each other for a few years. I'm still sorry for breaking his heart like that. It's water under the bridge now. We've made up and we've become really good friends now.
I will consider him as my first real boyfriend. I'm still grateful to him for many good experiences like listening to him sing to me over the phone, getting a story dedicated to me and dreaming about the future. I'm still glad that I got a wonderful experience as far as first loves go.
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