Despair is the complete absence of hope. There's nothing else that can accurately describe how I feel right now. I am in complete and utter despair. There's no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel and no fucking rainbow after the rain. Those things are made up by overly optimistic people who've never had a bad day in their entire life.
I just got back from my trip to a call center within Quezon City. After three hours into the application process, I was told by the recruitment team that I didn't pass the SVAR exam so I ultimately failed my application. This is the nth company that I've applied to in my two long months of unemployment. This is not the first company that rejected me either. But I'm getting tired of the application process, the expenses and the rejections... Especially the sheer contempt and secret delight of the recruiters I've met so far when they deliver the bad news.
Despair is the only thing that can accurately describe my emotions right now. I am dark, depressed, suicidal and desperate. I've finally hit rock bottom. I am now at the bottom of a deep, dark well with the water up to my neck and the rocks are rough at my fingertips. I cannot look up either to see the light because the mouth of the well has been boarded up. This is what I'm seeing now. This is it. This is finally the end of the line for me.
I'm finally at the verge of fulfilling my self-made prophecy that I'm never going to have a stable job and I'm going to be stuck as a person with disability, no prospects and no success. I'm just going to end up as a burden to my family. Albin will leave me eventually when he gets tired of being my caretaker. I'm going to end up stuck at home, catatonic and unable to move. I won't be able to afford my medicine, my doctor visits, my therapy sessions and any of my needs to have a stable mood. I won't ever be normal. I won't have that chance anymore all because of my stupid mistakes, my debilitating illness and my bad luck.
There are days when I look at myself and laugh hysterically. I deserve all of this! After all of the horrible, terrible and sinful things I've done in my life, this is not even enough to cover it. Life is still peachy for me. I still have it good, right? WRONG. That's so wrong. I deserve all of the karma, the bad luck and the terrible events in my life right now.
Where is God? Did He turn his back on me again? Is He testing my faith again? Is He making sure that I will be thoroughly broken so that I'll come back into the fold? Is He making me pay for what happened to my child? What is God trying to do right now? I've never found the answer in faith and religion. It's not reassuring or even comforting to me. I've ended up countless times in churches, chapels, and adoration rooms with my suffering because I wanted to offer it up to God. Yet I've never felt closer to God or comforted by His presence. I'm only left empty, hopeless and unsure of what to do next. I've never understood what I'm supposed to do with God and His faith.
I desperately want a cigarette right now. I want to buy a pack so I can start drinking that whiskey in the cupboard and smoke the night away. There is relief in my little vices. I can only count on my vices to get me through a rough patch. I've stopped having risky, impulsive sex with Tinder strangers but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I still do. But I'm in a happy, healthy relationship now so it's the least that I can do to stay away from that. Please leave the alcohol and cigarettes alone. No, wait, my boyfriend's angry at me for smoking so that's gone too. He stops me from drinking on week (weak?) nights too.
I love him very much and I care about him a lot but he's such a square sometimes. He doesn't have any vices, he's vanilla in bed and he's completely useless when it comes to having a good time. When I'm with him, the idea of a good time is watching anime after dinner for a couple of hours. That's it. No wild sex, no insane nights out and no funny incidents... It's so boring sometimes. But I have to slap myself and to remind myself that this was what I wanted for my entire life! I wanted a boyfriend who loves me, who's normal and who's stable. I wanted a man who would be able to give me stability and to be able to take care of me when I'm going through my dark phases. He's here! He's already here for me but I'm complaining. I deserve to get shot. I don't deserve him either. I'm worthless. I'm useless. I don't deserve to be alive anymore.
My suicidal thoughts are taking over my mind lately. It's insidious and unstoppable. I want to jump off the balcony in our condo in the 13th floor. I want to take all of the pills in our medicine cabinet. I want to stand in the middle of the road so a truck can run over me. I want to take the knives in our kitchen and use them to carve up my wrists, my jugular and my chest... I want to commit suicide because I can't bear to go on living anymore.
I'm so tired of my life. I want to press reset and start over or ask God to just erase my existence so I won't hurt everyone when I'm gone. I'm just so tired of living.
I will go ahead and deactivate all of my social media accounts.
If I die young, here's my last will and testament: Neil will get my laptop, my mother and sister will get all of clothes, shoes and other girly shit, Henrix will get all of my books and Albin will get to keep all of the shit in our house, including the dinner table set and the couch. Please give my dad a copy of everything that I've written so far.
For my funeral, I want to be cremated so you can scatter my ashes by the sea and at the base of the rambutan tree. I'll wear my favorite green dress with pretty sleeves and my cocktail ring; make sure that my underwear is black, sexy and revealing.
For my wake, invite our family and friends then serve them alcoholic drinks. Play Lana del Rey's discography while you gamble away your money. You can have a poetry reading in the middle of the night; you can even put up a slideshow of my short, pitiful life. Don't make it last longer than three days. Make sure you show and tell how much you love me now that I'm dead. God knows it won't make a difference because I'm already gone.
Or you can just all dump my body into the Pasig river and forget about me. I don't care either way.
I don't know if I will ever have the things that I wanted out of this life. My own family, children and a loving husband... I don't deserve those things. I won't be able to have those things because I have bipolar disorder. Living a normal life is 10 times harder for me already. Why would anybody want to marry me? I don't have a job, I've got no savings and I'm not pretty anymore. I've got a weird family background, I've got a dark past and I've got a lifetime illness. Who wants a piece of that?
Dying is the only way out.
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